Gordon Gartrelle - A BLOG: May 2009

Sunday, May 31, 2009

NOT SO BAD

I had a dream that I was on an airplane and I got up to go pee. The bathroom was right next to the escape hatch and I said jokingly to the other guy in line, "Hey, don't open that, OK?" It wasn't a particularly funny joke but I wasn't even conscious so I think it was fine considering the circumstances. The guy kind of looked like a sloppy John Turturro. He looked at me and then he looked at the hatch and he opened it, but instead of everything flying out of the plane like in the movies, there was just a gentle breeze. He glanced outside for a second and then closed the door and said, "Not so bad."

Saturday, May 30, 2009

BOOBTUBE: FORREAL A DREAM I HAD

EVERY NIGHT

TGIUSA.

BOOBTUBE: FURTHER CITATIONS FROM THE DETROIT RECORDBOOKS

i sport a sickly, yellowish derma, and have only listened to soulsonic force through headphones while laying in bed, wishing i knew how to roll a joint, or at least go into transcendental meditation – so i'm not even in the same olympic stadum as these WALs (winners at life):

CF Edley: Wishing I was older

Last night some photographers thought that Dap and Hima and Vic and Leif and me looked cool and were having fun in our brown-black dermas. However, as these Detroit historical documents show, we were way the fuck off. Way the fuck off.

Big thanks to JWill for putting me on to this.
And don't forget to give money to Heems to start a venue no joke

Friday, May 29, 2009

ME AND BIG TIGGER AND JULISSA IN A LIMOUSINE

I had a dream where I was in a limousine with 106 & Park hosts Darius "Big Tigger" Morgan and Julissa Bermudez watching a Youtube video of a fictional Biggie and Mary J. collaboration on the flat screen. I actually think my subconscious is making my dreams with gordongartrelle.blogspot.com in mind.

Shout out to Dap, who stole my blogging about dreams idea but has some interesting dreams.

OK LATER,

KOOL "Victor Vazquez" A.D.

A VISIT FROM DAP: Porny Time Magazine Cover

Latina Justice, really?

Also, Sonia Sotomayor: Top 5 Most Pleasant Looking People Ever?

A VISIT FROM DAP: HOLOCAUST MONTAGE

Just had a dream that involved me hanging out with prison guards and prisoners inside a prison. I mostly joked around with the prisoners and distributed oranges and apples from a basket to anyone who asked for one. Some of the prisoners would throw spitballs at me through the prison bars, although many prisoners just walked around freely. They wore those old, cartoony black and white striped uniforms. Everything started turning into a Nazi prison, but everyone was hanging out and joking around. At the end of the dream there was a terrifying Holocaust montage with people being dragged around and like a photo book of Holocaust victims with this terrible music in the background.

CF Edley decides to blog some: Two real cuts and one for jesus

Busy Signal, of Tic-Toc fame, apparently can't make up his mind in '09. Last year he was not answering his phone, but now.... Giving contradictory messages to those who might stalk you, myself included, is deeply unfair, Busy. Actually, that's not true. No matter what you say, I'm still gonna keep calling.

I'm kinda of the belief that the latter cut, had it come out 35 or so years ago, would have ruined Arthur Russell's reputation with the minimalists so fast. And that it makes me dance real crazy.

And now for lowercase jesus and the love of lowercase jesus:

Also, someone should give Hima a chunk of money to open a venue. I'm just saying. I'd move back from wherever I'm moving to now to help him out.

carriage bolt

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

BOOBTUBE: GIVING THE ART OF RIPPING PEOPLE OFF A BAD NAME

so back in the day, friend of GoGart Ray Tintori made a lil short-form epic called Death to the Tinman, which looks like this:

and then recently a very clever nyu student made this thing:

i love that it's about thieves.

A VISIT FROM DAP: Candy Pants

This is incredible, not sure what to say about it. YOU MUST GET TO THE 2:00 MARK. The rest is incredible. And make sure not to miss his little post-song interview where he insists he's "exclusively a minister of sobriety." You must hear how he says sobriety! Lionel Davis is one of the greats and I hope someone transcribes the lyrics.

A VISIT FROM DAP: Tacuinum Sanitatis/Vomit

From Wikipedia: The Tacuinum (sometimes Taccuinum) Sanitatis is a medieval handbook on wellness, based on the Taqwin al‑sihha ("Tables of Health"), an eleventh-century Arab medical treatise by Ibn Butlan of Baghdad. Though describing in detail the beneficial and harmful properties of foods and plants, it is far more than a herbal: listing its contents organically rather than alphabetically, it sets forth the six essential elements for well-being:

* sufficient food and drink in moderation,
* fresh air,
* alternations of activity and rest,
* alternations of sleep and wakefulness,
* secretions and excretions of humours, and finally
* the effects of states of mind.

I don't know about all that, but check out this awesome 14th century illustration of a dude vomiting. I found this in a strange, roundabout manner within the last thirty minutes. I was watching a cartoon that mentioned the hot dog eating contest. I wikipedia'd that to find out who the current champ is (Joey "the Jaws" Chestnut). After reading further, I clicked on the banned "roman method" which is just competitive food eating jargon for vomiting while eating. The link led to the Wikipedia entry for vomit, and this is the image I found. Glorious. I like to call it "And Then She Left Me..."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A visit from Kate: things to buy

http://keelynet.com/moreinvisibility.htm

Also included:

Proudly published in New Hampshire. Live Free or Die.

Monday, May 25, 2009

BOOBTUBE: YOU HAVE JUST LEARNED RACQUETBALL

THE PEOPLE'S HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES

I had a dream where celebrated German film director Werner "Werny Herzy" Herzog (auteur of seminal films such as Belly, Baby Boy and The Player's Club) had adapted Horward Zinn's unflinching portrait of our country, The People's History of the United States, into a movie, but the movie was just a 40-year-old white guy in a red Mustang convertible parked on a suburban Californian street talking to a blonde girl in a bikini. I was sort of confused, but I was feeling it.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: Vision Magazine

When I was in Berkeley last week I found (unsurprisingly) a copy of Vision Magazine, "Catalyst for Conscious Living" sitting on a coffeshop table. It was a hippie magazine that, as far as I could tell, advocates for only two things. People eating more fruits/vegetables and some vague notion of "spiritual unity," both things I'm super down for. What I'm less down for: DISTINGUISHING YOURSELF FROM OTHER MIDDLE-CLASS WHITE PEOPLE WITH ARBITRARY INDIAN MIDDLE NAMES. It's like '90s wiggers calling themselves T. Dubz or something because they bought 'No Way Out' at the Wall a few weeks before and now 'things are different." Unnecessary.

BONUS: READ THE ALCOHOL DETOXIFYING BRACELET DESCRIPTION

*Elijah Dukes is a baseball player: He apparently left this voicemail with his wife two years ago:

"You dead, dawg," says an angry voice. "I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids, too."

DETERMINED MOUSE

I had a dream in which someone called a delivery service and ordered two truckloads of something, except the delivery service was just a single mouse who had to drive one delivery truck for a few feet and then run back and drive the other delivery truck a few feet and then get in the first truck and drive it a few feet and so on. The dream went on for a pretty long time. It was surprisingly relaxing.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: Craigslist Rants

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A VISIT FROM DAP: Orientalism Watch '09

Mediocre director Shekhar Kapur recently made an ad for Schweppes. It features white-ass Nicole Kidman running around some absurd Indian Palace with feathers on. Some Indian dude walks out, she unzips the back of her dress. Then she runs into a room, shuts the door, guzzles Schweppes and says "What did you expect?" I saw Eyes Wide Shut, I expected you to bone that dude! "What did you expect, I'd have sex with an INDIAN MAN? " Garbage.

EDIT: According to Himanshu, the Indian man is Arjun Rampal. Bollywood actor/model. HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?

Friday, May 22, 2009

A visit from Kate: a recommendation from Ray

I was looking at pictures and Ray was like, "Did you put that on Gordon Gartrelle? That's important." Because no matter what, somewhere deep inside Lil Jon knows that he is still that kid.

A VISIT FROM DAP: Air Guitar Champ Alex Koll

I met this man, Alex Koll, in San Francisco. He's a friend of my brother and likes to tell jokes to other human beings on stage. Whatever floats your boat, I say. We interviewed him during our Untitled Kondabolu Brothers Project in San Francisco. He was the Bay Area Champ in 2008's Air Guitar Championships, and was 3rd nationally. He used to go by "Shred Begley Jr." but has changed his name to 'The Awesome' which is pretty kewl. Here's a video of him in the first round of the Nationals, this video is incredible, wait till right after the flip, the shotgun thing. OMG!

I highly recommend you watch this video on mute the first time around.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: Baby Without a Brain Blog

Found this blog about a baby born without a brain. I wiki'd the condition Anencephaly (WARNING: GROSS). It made me realize why the baby on this blog is always wearing a hat. Human beings are disgusting and life is meaningless. The internet is fucking rad as shit though, I love it.

Here's the blog description:
My name is Myah. I'm 23 years old and a single mom to a very special little girl.

When I was 19 weeks pregnant, I was told that my baby had no brain. This condition is known as "anencephaly." I was told that my baby was only alive because she was attached to me, but that she couldn't survive on her own. The doctor said that I could continue the pregnancy safely, but that my baby would die shortly after being born. Or I could choose to terminate the pregnancy then, which would mean being induced at 20 weeks and letting my baby die without ever seeing or holding her (I don't even want to know what they do with babies in this case). Well, to some people this would be a difficult decision, but it wasn't for me. I knew there was nothing to gain by terminating the pregnancy and I already loved my daughter more than anyone else in the world. Even if she was unconscious like the doctors said and lived for only a few seconds or minutes --even if she was stillborn --it was worth it to me. And so we began our journey...

BOOBTUBE: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

CIVILIZATION IS GOING TO FAIL UNLESS WE ALL BECOME AS GENIUS AS THIS

OBJECTS I WANT MY PARENTS TO ARRANGE MY MARRIAGE WITH: THE PONTIAC STINGER

"Packed with modern concepts, wild and wacky pretentions, and maybe more personality than any other car." Why would I want a woman?

bonus: Theme song! "To The Excitement Edge (Pontiac Will Take You There)" by Trey Parker and Matt Stone:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: Possibly Racist Kool-Aid Commercial/Olympics Joint

I saw this commercial the same day I saw that awesome Intel commercial with Ajay Bhatt in it. Anyway, this one features a 20 oz. soda bottle that looks almost exactly like grape soda (I had to rewind the commercial to make sure it didn't actually say 'GRAPE SODA' on it. It just says 'SODA') and the Kool-Aid man racing down the beach. The Kool-Aid beats the grape soda. There's something strange going on here, I'm just not sure what. Also, Kool-Aid is way better than Soda!!!

In other goings on, the 2010 Olympic torch for Vancouver looks a lot like a burning joint. Canada's alright, but not too alright.

\\\ yoo toobs of music and monkeys

whoa, awesome looking new suckers video for "easy chairs"

this is a couple days old now but what the heck?

and heres what our boys have been up to in the uk:

and here, finally, are monkeys that water ski :

\\\ wild out wednesdays at gordon gartrelle

on sunday before watching star trek and live-tweeting sex and the city, i started what i reckon will be a long-lasting tradition : rap sundays. on rap sunday, you could have seen me mixing rap songs off of various hypem.com tabs. here are some of my favez from that "sesh."

gucci mane. gucci mane is probably best known for his single "freaky gurl," his insane chain game, his long criminal record, and for being a rapper named gucci mane. gucci recently signed with warner brothers records. he was recently let go from prison on weededge and burner (weapons) charges.

Gucci Mane - First Day Out - via Corporate Bloggin', who are a french trap rap blog? and thus include hyperlinks to commonplace american slang words like birds and benjamins. hes also hell of well known for his beef with jeezy. in 05 he was charged with murdering an aspiring rapper who had ties to jeezy. he claimed it was self defense and they dropped the charges aka he beat them like rocky a la jay-z's h to the izzo. ya dig? here's an example of what you could here on a gucci track:

I’m counting out money in my living-room,

birds everywhere, I call it the CHICKEN ROOM

Pills in the cabinet, pounds in the den,

attic full of guns, basement full of benjamins

on one track, jeezy offered a bounty for gucci mane's diamond chain. peep gucci's chain game:

hilarious. the only information wikipedia provides on atl's oj da juiceman is that in songs "he frequently calls himself "young juice man." thanks wiki. can i do better? no. though i do know he's on that swizzy and jada joint that goes "if you're real and you know it clap your hands" and sheds light on the age old debate of who's real and who's fake? you see... "he's phony, she's fake."

Whos Real feat. Swizz Beatz & OJ Da Juiceman - Jadakiss

look at dudes chain and his stacks, on deck.

Here's dude with Gucci and Cam, three of the best trappers in the game: OJ Da Juiceman feat Gucci Mane & Cam'ron - Make the Trap Say Ay - via Corporate Bloggin'

Also from mouse rapper OJ da Juiceman (ay!) is a mediocre jawn I heard one time called I Talk via Corporate Bloggin'

any conversation on OJ da Juiceman inevitably reminds me of RA the Rugged Man, failed underground rapper from Suffolk County. but i digress:

this one has a line in which people ask if they missed a mercedes sale cuz of how insane fabolous's mercedes automobile game is. Fabolous f/ The Dream - Throw It In The Bag (zshare)

the next song is the best song ever. Young Money Entertainment, Weezy's imprint which includes Drake, Jae Millz, Gudda Gudda, and Mack Maine, will be dropping a collabo album this year and this is the lead single. In it a couple of amazing things happen:

All these dudes talk about how they wish they could fuck every girl in the world. Like, every girl? Really guys. Even this chick? I feel like I'm gonna get an STD by just listening to this song. And it's so good, I don't even mind.
Mack Maine talks about waiting 3 years so he could legally give Miley Cyrus the business.
Drake continues his run as somehow the dopest rapper out in a minute.

Lil Wayne f/ Drake, Jae Millz, Gudda Gudda, and Mack Maine via z share

Speaking of Drake, holy shit do i enjoy this guy (update: no homo). How is it possible that "the next big thing" in hip-hop is a Canadian teen actor known for his role as Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Best I Ever Had is a constant on the radio these days, and with good reason - shit is good. Rather than providing you with the original, here's a Ted Smooth remix (via Zshare) of Best I Ever Had featuring the god Swizzy talking about his boo boo Alicia Keys: "Wake up in the morning and my baby cooked me breakfast/ ass nakedd, nothing on but a necklace" and "she gave me a party at the Guggenheim." That Guggenheim party was the first place Alicia mentioned her relationship with the then-still-married Swizzy! I wonder what kind of things he'll paint for her or which paintings he'll buy her. Oh, the beat's heck of taken from Akinyele too.
Drake f/ Swizz Beats - Best I Ever Had (Ted Smooth Remix) (via z share)

here (mediafire) he is over mediocre Santigold's Unstoppable, turning it into an actually enjoyable song.

and finally, via a little blog called the fader, heres the most recent of several remixes of NY's own maino's joint - hottest in the hood. this one features jadakiss, fabolous, rick ross, diddy, and oj da juiceman: http://thefader.cachefly.net/hottestinthehoodremix.mp3

this is a theophilous london, mickey factz, kid cudi, cool kids free zone.

hooray rap!

LUDA

I had a dream where I was trying to hide a gun somewhere in a bar. My parents were there. Various other people from my life would show up and leave. I was attracted to a woman who was a composite of numerous women I know. She was asleep in the middle of a pond in a dark corner of the bar. I curled up next to her.

After some time, my mom asked me to sweep up the bar because it was a mess so I started sweeping and realized that the floor was covered in sand. The bar changed into a wooden rooftop patio and I was sweeping sand into some alleyway below. It became unclear as to whether I was inside or outside. The scene somehow smoothly transitions into a house party.

As I'm leaving the party, I run into famed rapper/actor Ludacris. I tell him I'm in a rap band but he seems distracted and I'm like "Oh well, fuck it. It's just Ludacris."

OK LATER.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: Intel commercial w/Ajay Bhatt

This commercial has an awesome 'Indian Uncle' looking dude named Ajay Bhatt, I googled him and checked his Linked In profile. That is all.

PIXIE BOOBS

my friend z behl just informed me of what gmail advertises on it sidelines when she tries to email me:

PIXIE BOBS

http://sbpixiebobs.com/index.html

this cat is named Dirty Harry Callahan

WHAT IS A PIXIE BOB?

Their FAQ is Under Construction, which I guess means questions don't get asked frequently enough. So I will ask again:

WHAT IS A PIXIE BOB?

EDIT: okay, I am pissed that wikipedia offered a very boring and obvious answer to my question (spolier alert: it's a type of cat), but it also offered this somewhat amusing photograph:

which will keep me unpissed for about fourteen more minutes. good job wikipedophilia.

\\\ live-tweeting Sex and the City - The Movie

twitter's taking over the world. on sunday night, after watching star trek, my homie james dewey and I decided it would be funny to get irie, watch sex and the city and live tweet about it while sitting in the same room. james and myself are comfortable enough with our sexuality to do things like that. we're also comfortable enough with the internet to do things like that. its not a big deal.

and so we did it...

JAMES - Okay here we go. Sunday night live tweeting watching "Sex and the City: The Movie" with @heems #sex #city11:40 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey convinced me to co-live tweet watching sex n the city. No homo.11:41 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - He's already trying to tweet my real life jokes and claim them as his.11:42 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES – Carrie says "year after year twenty something women come to new york city in search of the two L's: Labels and Love" @heems says "me too"11:43 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - Remember the episode when Charlotte got busy with the Hasid artist? Cray. No homo.11:43 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Backstory: Samantha in LA with some actor who provides both sex AND love. Carrie and Big are engaged and apartment hunting.11:45 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - Mr. Bigs got mad guap. He copped this apt like he was a punchline in Fabo's new joint with The Dream - Throw it in the Bag11:48 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Mr. Big has got MAD MONEY. Just copped a dope apartment for Carrie. "I got this." Small closet but they'll redo it! Manhattan penthouse!!!11:48 PM May 17th from web

JAMES - "New York Magazine says brooklyn is the new manhattan." "Whoever wrote that, lives in Brooklyn." ***fall back Brooklyn losers11:48 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - Wealthy manhattanites, Brooklyn bashing.11:49 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Girls at Christie's auction. Sam throws up "fucking 50 thousand" for some shit but no dice. now doing makeup in bathroom - girl talk.11:50 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - Can't imagine myself ever being at an auction like Carrie and the girls. Minority count : 2 : Non-speaking Roles.11:51 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems Who is your favorite Sex and the City girl? Who would give you both sex AND love.11:51 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey maybe i'll have an answer to that by the end of the movie. Its a deep question.11:52 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - DVF product placement.11:54 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Mario Cantone. Meh11:55 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - First gay character. His name is Anthony and he's a really fab wedding planner. He bugged cuz she wants to wear a wedding dress sans label11:57 PM May 17th from web

HIMA - Accidentally forgot to tweet No Homos on the last six tweets. No homo.11:58 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems yeah Mario Cantone as Anthony unimpressive so far. Really flat and obvious performance.

HIMA - @jamesdewey I think stanford blacks a much deeper gay character11:59 PM May 17th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Whattup Andre Leon Talley. LV briefcase looking tough. No homo.12:00 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Vivienne Westwood, coming through with a kind ass gesture. No homo.12:01 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Fashion shoot time... Carrie a natural. Bomb ass designer dresses. Real life vogue editors lamping on the couch. Samantha cries.12:01 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - @heems getting free clothes is awesome. this girl lives a charmed life.12:03 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @JamesDewey yeah. I don't much care for her.12:05 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - @JamesDewey yo james, what do you think your wedding will be like? Where would you have it?12:06 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems okay missed some shit cuz i was lending tshirt to a girl. fill me in. pause.12:06 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Who's this small asian child? Oh, minority count at five now, including Andre. Also, Mirandas so mean! No homo.12:08 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems Small church in English countryside where my parents get married. You're invited definitely. We'll body some Akash tandoori12:09 AM May 18th from web

JAMES Close up boner shot for dude who @heems says is twisting out Rosario Dawson. Are they still together? Sam getting it in for an old chick.12:11 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - SEX SCENE!!! Sam peeps. I definitely enjoy watching people having sex who don't know I'm watching IRL.12:12 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Naked chick next to me on couch points out that "all romantic moments are marked by consumer lust." interesting... lock it up females.12:13 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - If this movie was about my life they'd be popping bottles of Andre and that closet space would have Jordans and that Yurple in it.12:14 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Girls playing 'Take or Toss' game during requisite wardrobe montage. Charlotte "acting" like a black person.12:15 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - What is this 80s graffiti sweatshirt gold chain shades thing charlottes rocking in this montage. Racist.12:16 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - HERE WE GO: Topless asian girl drapped in baskets??? just walks out and everyone starts dancing. Zach says "this is what girls do? Maybe."12:16 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - These broads are mad old and not that attractive. No homo.12:17 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Miranda just gets cheating bomb dropped on her. @heems have you ever cheated or been cheated on? props to dude for being honest- not easy.12:17 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Charlotte getting it from some dude with alupicia (sp??). This is getting better.12:19 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Not sure what Carrie and BIG are fighting about. @heems any ideas?12:21 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @JamesDewey I zoned out for a minute. It looks like shit got really real for a second.12:22 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Everyone clapped cuz someone yelled DICKWAD.12:23 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Hot girl walks across screen but she's just an extra. total letdown.12:24 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Naked girl on couch describes Miranda as "neurotic, unstable, irrational bitch." She's SUPPOSED to be the voice of reason. NAGL.12:25 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Steve looks like my cousin Abhi. I agree with emily here in that Mirandas emotionally immature. No homo.12:26 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - NGOC (Naked Girl On Couch) giving me valuable insight on Miranda's character arch. What happened to this level headed, logical lawyer??12:26 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Miranda telling BIG that "marriage ruins everything" is not a good look for her homegirl Carrie. No homo.12:27 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - This poor asian child!12:27 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - @JamesDewey asian girl is Charlottes adopted chinese daughter. Dumbass. No homo.12:29 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Emily cosigns Vivievne Westwood dress.12:29 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey Gonna take a break to body this bag of chips in your pantry. Plus shits about to get really real. He's got cold feet.12:32 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Seems obvious that BIG is going to strand Carrie at alter. He's being REALLY childish. I'd just bite the bullet and have a shitty life.12:32 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Carrie can't work an iphone? No homo.12:33 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Who's busted ass flip phone did she jus drop? No homo.12:34 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Her home girls are hella supportive. No homo.12:36 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Damn really beautiful slow mo shot of carrie dropping a cell phone. Now she's going at BIG... flowers everywhere. Char has her back.12:36 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - @heems these girls roll deep. I hope my friends would do the same. Break time for a snickers bar.12:37 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey we used to b like that12:37 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Did Charlotte get her daughter an Asian cabbage patch doll? No homo.12:39 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Sarah Jessica looks hella busted. No homo.12:41 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Sarah Jessica looks hella busted.12:41 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Making girl turn her honeymoon into a vacation was probably a mistake. she needs time to get over this.12:42 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey I can't believe we watched this and tweeted so much about it. Feels hella mo. No phobo. Maybe i'll delete my tweets.12:44 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Really sad scene where samantha spoon feeds weird infantile carrie.12:45 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @jamesdewey Not a single boob in this movie so far? What the heck.12:48 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Really gross shot of Miranda's wild ass bush not waxed. TBH i didn't realize how much work went into maintaining that area. props girls.12:49 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - They're talking about what love really is. What is love? Tell me what love means to y'all, y'all. No homo.12:50 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Ewwww. Charlotte shat herself. No homo.12:52 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Charlotte just shit herself in front of her friends. Hella embarrassing.12:52 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Need to get hella more IRIE to finish watching this. Shootout to Jenny Hudson. She's a trooper.12:54 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems HELLOOO Jennifer Hudson, applying to be Carrie's personal assistant. this is racist.12:55 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - "white guy with a baby. wherever he's going, that's where we need to be." -Miranda12:56 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - @JamesDewey gentrifications not cool.12:57 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - This movie made me realize that lots of people adopt kids and then get pregnant. human body mad mysterious. we have lots to learn.1:00 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Carries so mean. She should try to understand where Big is coming from more. No homo.1:03 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Carries complaining about her new 347 area code. Now there's totally BOOBS on the screen.1:08 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Jennifer hudson's character is on some real "magical negro" tip.1:12 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - @heems yeah exactly. http://en.wikipedia.org/wik...1:13 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - This movie sucks. I'm going to stop watching it. Peace @heems tell me what happens to this racist spoiled white woman tomorrow.1:15 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - This movie is heck of offensive. @jamesdewey turn this shit off yo.1:16 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - "My very own LOUIS VATTON!!!????" - Jennifer Hudson1:16 AM May 18th from web

JAMES- Psych i'm still watching... Almost turned it off tho but now I'm thinking about what love means.1:20 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - emily pointed out that the harsh "fashion" lighting is doing these old white ladies no favors. soft light in the sequel plz.1:21 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Two marginal gay characters appear to have fallen in love. J-Hud bout to twist out some dude. New Years Eve people are wilding.1:23 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - Humping dog best thing about this movie.1:24 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - Shoutout to Fashion week. No homo.1:25 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

HIMA - Chanel Iman cameo FTW1:28 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - Shoutout Chanel Iman who i didn't know existed until just now.1:28 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - How long is this shite movie? Mad long.1:31 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - OK this needs to end. I'm ending it. Goodnight @heems. This was fun. Realized that love and labels is on everyones mind. not just mine.1:33 AM May 18th from web

HIMA - This movie sucks.1:33 AM May 18th from TwitterBerry

JAMES - disgusting naked samantha sushi scene a perfect place to stop.1:34 AM May 18th from web

JAMES - "i got wasabe in places where one should never get wasabe."1:35 AM May 18th from web

___________________________________________________________-

this coming sunday we'll be at it again. leave suggestions for the next movie we should live tweet in the comments. or tell us that this is dumb and you don't want to see it again. whatever dood.

Monday, May 18, 2009

BOOBTUBE: A VIDEO GAME BASED ON A JOKE INVENTED BY 1950s CARTOONS

yes sometimes the japanese invent something and we all go haha look how stupid that stupid thing is, why would i need an umbrella that is also a condom, what crazy kooks. but sometimes they invent something that makes you wonder: maybe they are going to win world war three?

or should i say, world war wii?

A VISIT FROM DAP: Gooby

Peep this molesty movie trailer for some insipid "family film" with some freak fuck bear-like thing following around a little white kid. This piece of trash has apparently already passed through theaters like hot diarrhea through a dysentery-addled 3rd worlder and will be sold at Duane Reade for $1.99 in a few months. Fuck this country/Enjoy!

*Lars von Trier regarding motivation behind making his new movie Antichrist:"I never have a choice," von Trier said Monday. "It's the hand of God, I'm afraid." And," he added, "I am the best film director in the world."

If you've never seen von Trier's Riget, watch it. It's about this hospital where all this crazy shit happens and there's demons and ghosts and it's mad funny and creepy and awesome.

\\\ arranged marriage update : lakshmi menon

the girls i want my parents to arrange my marriage with post has been a popular one for us at gordon gartrelle. the internet, after all, was invented by a bored dude who wanted to look at pretty girls and boobs whenever he felt like it - al gore. the inaugural post of girls i want... featured a model by the name of Lakshmi Menon who was featured in Vogue India back in September of 2008.

this is the babe im talking about...

holy shit though. lakshmi menon is about to blow the f up. this month she was booked for a "lavish 12-page shoot" in Vogue - Vogue as in the American magazine, not Vogue India (who im still mad at for that burberry shoot with working class indians in poor villages rocking burberry clothing shot from far enough away to make the viewer feel like a tourist, etc. etc. if you're reading this, Vogue India - NOT A GOOD LOOK guys). but anyway, word, this is important because it sheds light on the fact that im very good at acknowledging foxes before Vogue US.

The independent ran a cool article about her that I recommend you read if your mad feminine like me (no homo), are fond of smokeshow indian babes like too many of my friends, or are a girl that likes fashion, I guess. Nah, I read it because it's academic:

"But her success raises one, deeply unsettling question: why is she the only South Asian model regularly strutting down the international catwalks?"

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/features/this-years-model-how-lakshmi-menon-put-india-in-vogue-1684418.html

A VISIT FROM DAP: Black Web 2.0/GFN

Black Web 2.0 covers website and application launches; culturally relevant Internet industry news; and mainstream Internet industry news from an African-American perspective. We also analyze emerging web trends and how they apply to web properties that target African-Americans or African-American culture.

gfn.com is the first Internet media company devoted to financial services whose sole business is to address and satisfy the unique financial and legal needs and concerns of the American LGBT community. Gfn.com’s landmark product takes the form of a web-based finance magazine that currently enjoys a wide circulation. With a singular focus, gfn.com has become the definitive source of financial information for the LGBT community.

Launched by Walter B. Schubert in 1998, a third generation and first openly gay member of the New York Stock Exchange, gfn.com has made impressive strides towards capturing this vastly underserved and lucrative niche market

This guy's a third generation gay dude? Not sure what that means. I'm not even sure why I find these sites so funny.

\\\arranged marriage: aubrey plaza

back in 07 aziz ansari was just getting famous. i was all like, who's this brown dude that blogs about indie rock, makes jokes about kanye west, and looks like he went to stuyvesant with me? one time i saw him at a diplo show at studio b, and i was like "hey, ever heard of hari kondabolu?" he didn't. that same summer i once tried to get backstage at the south street seaport shows by claiming ashok was aziz ansari - "are you kidding ? do you know who this guy is?" they didn't.

now he's all famous and buddies with kanye and has a show on nbc: parks and recreation. i've peeped it a couple times and it doesn't really work for me. most upsetting is the stellar cast but lackluster laughs! (maybe i just don't "get it.") but... amy poehler! rashida jones, who was previously highlighted in this same arranged marriage section! aziz! and aubrey plaza... !

(like amy poehler and aziz ansari and heck of other funny fools) Aubrey reps that UCB fam (holla!). Oh, UCB as in upright citizens brigade, not Uncalled for Band, the DC go-go legends that now tour with WALE. (anyone remember the darryl strawberry show joint i posted here by chris gethard [is that his real name? get hard?] from ucb? that was heck of funny: http://www.ucbcomedy.com/videos/play/1064 )

here are some jpgs of aubrey plaza:

Aubrey Plaza by watchwithkristin.

here's aubrey plaza doing a sarah silverman impression for an SNL audition or something!

__________________________________________________________________

sometimes when im at work this at&t ad comes on and it has a really nice, sweet, sensitive love song that I then sing to myself all day long in this totally bro work environment. i feel real emotional feelings and then think, "when will i fall in love?!" and then i think "what is love?" and then i think "baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me..."

if my arranged marriage proposal works out, that song could be OUR song! Not the what is love song, the commercial song, by a guy named Landon Pigg:

\\\ shameless self promo - vote for DR on some deli magazine poll thing

DR was nominated for The Deli Magazine's artist of the month poll. It would be rad if we won. Also, if possible, I would like to win by a landslide. Vote: http://www.thedelimagazine.com/snacks.php

Ok cool bye,
Ok cool bye

A VISIT FROM KATE: gErmZ on pIgZ

I uploaded these pictures last week, I think the theme was going to be

Quiz: which of these things will give you swine flu?

\\\ i <3 twitter

twitter.com is so cool. everyone's totally joining it. its the new tech sensation, sweeping the nation. heck of fools join and then get bored and dont really get into it and then quit. mad fools join and get into it and then have conversations with friends in a public forum as if they were having conversations with friends very loudly in a public forum in real life. because i use up some of my witty, clever, funny thoughts on twitter, i can't use them in real life, which sucks. i also can't blog about them. or can i?

this weekend was my cousin priya's sweet 16 at akbar restaurant in long island. (where do sweet 16s come from? what demographics of people have them?)

akbar used to be right near roosevelt field mall. one time my friend james went there and saw lawrence taylor eating there. since then they moved to stuart avenue and now have 2 party halls in addition to the sweet ass restaurant. since my large indian family of 17 or so cousins plus aunts and uncles have been here in the 80s, we've been having all of our wedding functions, sweet 16s, anniversaries, etc. etc. at akbar. its an integral part of my life, really.

anyway, i live tweeted priya's sweet 16 because i was so bored since my cousins are lame and i wasnt getting REALLY drunk and i couldn't do any, like, klonopins or nothing.

here are my tweets plus some photos!!!

Watching little Indian kids running around, playing, at Akbar Restaurant. Feeling like I've become too "American." 8:05 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Will live tweet my cousin Priya's Sweet 16 from Akbar Restaurant in Long Island. 9:18 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

No one here looks like they wear American Apparel. In fact, 90 percent of the women here are wearing Indian apparel. 9:19 PM May 16th

My cousins Rahul, Sahil, and Rohit were just called up to light a candle to the song Louis Rag by TI and Swizzy. I waved my dinner napkin. 9:32 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Kajra Re is still an enjoyable song. 9:33 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

I was called up with my fam to light a candle. Priya said I'm always cracking jokes but I'm also always there to help her with life + school 9:39 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

The song Desi Girl from the hit film Dostana may very well be enjoyable. 9:41 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Several friends were called up to the Friends theme song by The Rembrandts. The 2nd verse and bridge of this jawn are severely underrated. 9:49 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

My cousin Puja is doing a dance performance to some "fusion" song that sounds like Bollywood and Lady Gaga,so "okay" and trash, respectively 10:03 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Three aunts have said I resemble the tragic hero of the film Devdas because of my beard. In that film, Devdas drinks himself to death. 10:16 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Two aunts have asked me when I'm going to get married. One aunt said I look like Randhir Kapoor - no idea who that is. 10:17 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Thinking about hitting the dance floor and gettin lite to this Bhangra. If you're unfamiliar, peep some youtubes of cats that "get lite" 10:26 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Punjabi cats put it down on the floor. We're no joke with bhangra. Johnny Walker Black Label bottles getting bodied by drunk uncles. 10:55 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Def more adults wilding on the floor than kids. Dinners served. MAD on point. Onion Kulchas with that ChickenMakhni, paneer, okra, aloo. Yea 11:17 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

The kids went nuts for some Ciara and Flo Rida song. I told my 13 year old cousin Megha that Flo Rida sucks. She sd "I love Flo Rida." 11:34 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Wow! The teens really love Flo Rida! Everyones mouthing the words to this HORRENDOUS "you spin my head right round." 11:36 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

3 Flo Rida songs in a row into Lady Gaga. As if the unoriginal name wasn't a giveaway, NEVER go with Bollywood DJs for ur Sweet 16 everyone. 11:41 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Triple auntie cheek assault. People are beginning to trickle out. Finna dip and head back to BK soon. Drinking scotch with my cousin Tarun. 11:51 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Holy Shit. My moms and hella ladies in saris doing the Macarena.... Finally, @souljaboytellem is on - wish this was cookies n applejuiceeee 11:59 PM May 16th from TwitterBerry

Thanks for following the live twittering fest tonight y'all. Priya had a great birthday. My cousin Neha's Sweet 16 is next month. Til then! 12:09 AM May 17th from TwitterBerry

***Also, my friend James and I watched Sex and the City: The Movie last night and live-tweeted our thoughts on the film for way too long. So... I'll put that up soon enough.

Also, if you haven't seen it, this: http://www.delawareonline.com/assets/pdf/BL133941430.PDF

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