Sunday, September 26, 2010

moved again


Friday, July 9, 2010

RIP gordon gartrelle + hello there, nehru jackets

yeah, this blog's over.

it's been real.

thanks dap, kate, bob, tal, andrew, cf edley, kool a.d., jordan fish and despot.

it's been real. hasn't it?

maybe we'll get around to putting up a best of gordon gartrelle soon.

more likely than not it will be over at my new blog which you should go ahead and "follow' or whatever?


Monday, May 17, 2010


to celebrate youtube's 5th birfday, the laser's 50th birfday, and ronnie james dio's 1st deathday, here's something that combines all three:


Thursday, May 13, 2010


No words.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

From THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET...The Most Poorly Designed Glass

I'm just going to keep writing stuff until you fuckers jump in and stop me. So here goes...

In modern mixology, there are only a few types of commonly used glasses. The Colling glass, named after the retro-cocktail the Tom Collins, is the tallish, normal-sized glass you'd get something like a gin & tonic or a Jack & Coke in. Most highballs are served in a Collins glass.

Then there's the Old Fashioned glass. This is the shorter and wider version of the Collins glass. If you order something like a screwdriver or a rusty nail, it'll probably come in one one of these stocky glasses. Most lowballs are served in an Old Fashioned Glass.

And then there are of course all sorts of specialty glasses such as brandy snifters, champagne flutes, shot glasses, and small rocks glasses for top-shelf liquors. But one of the most commonly used and, in my opinion, poorly designed glasses is the cocktail glass, also known as the martini glass.

This ubiquitous glass was designed expressly to do two things: get people wasted and ensure that they spill their drinks all over the place. I mean, if you get a martini, which is basically 3 shots of gin or vodka in a glass, you're trying to go from zero to sixty in 20 minutes or less. Add to this the top-heavy design of the glass, accompanied by the slim stem and narrow base, and you have disaster lurking in the shadows!

"Build a better mousetrap...", they say. So, people with design sensibilities, make us a better martini glass quick. These old ones are doing nothing but causing tipsy cougars to drench their paisley blouses. Bad scene.


Saturday, May 1, 2010

FROM THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET...Rock Stars and the Occult!

A'ight, homies. I see how it is. I guess GG has become uncool and I'm the last to find out. But whatever, cause I still got shit to write about. And here's some of that shit...

So occult themes have been a major part of music since time immemorial. And certain contemporary musical genres put heavy emphasis on the subject (I'm thinking Black Metal bands and wimpy but rad gothy groups like the Cocteau Twins and the Cure, and Morrisey was way occulty. Also, think of folks like Skip James and Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Ozzy and Alice Cooper. All super into the devil). But there are three individuals in rock history who stand out as true students of the occult, in both a personal and academic sense.

Reg Presley - Lead Singer of the Troggs
His weird fascination - Crop Circles and Monatomic Gold (Alchemical White Gold)

Here is what Reg Presley looks like when he's rocking hard:

And here's where you click for a PDF of Reg Presley's free ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK on his inquiries into monatomic gold. It's an entertaining read. Reg's grammar is a tad lacking, and I'm not sold on the powers of white gold (if the substance even exists), but his enthusiasm makes up for it. And its just nice to see that someone out there is using their rockstar fortune to fund a pursuit into a super-specific and weird but also pretty fascinating endeavor. Reg Presley, you are cool.

Ed Sanders - 1/2 of the creative force behind the Fugs
Odd Fascination - The Tate-LaBianca Murders (The Manson Family Helter Skelter Shitshow)

I fucking love the Fugs. Look at how great they are:

Spoiler Alert: at minute 2:00 some shirtless shit goes down hard.

And, of course, there's good ol'...
Jimmy Page - Fucking Guitar Ninja of Led Zeppelin, a totally epic dude
Nutso About - Motherfucking Aleister Crowley!

First check out Page fucking SLAY Dazed and Confused back in '69

Make sure to stay tuned for the gnar-as-shit fiddle-bow-on-the-old-axe solo at minute 3:00ish. Then, at 4:40ish, the true shredding commences. And how fucking cool are Bonham and Plant!? And then there's good old Jonsey, the shy yet brilliant lad in the shadows. Can't we all relate to John Paul Jones just a little bit?

But, when not melting faces with his lightening fingers, Jimmy Page was WAYYYYYY into Victorian-era occult mega-star/perveroo Aleister Crowley. Here's his wiki. If you don't know about his shenanigans, I recommend that you read it. He was a real one-of-a-kind kinda guy, and very influential in early 20th Century western occultism (L. Ron Hubbard was a HUGE fan, btw). So not only does Jimmy Page buy Crowley's cloak at auction and start wearing it while recreating Crowley's Satanic sex rituals, he buys the guy's mansion!

Boleskine House, an 18th Century estate on the shore of Scotland's Lock Ness, was purchased by Crowley in 1899, at the height of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. Look at this silly picture of Crowley:

So Page buys this dead sex-magician's dilapidated house, fixes it up, and Zeppelin spend a bunch of time there recording tunes, doing drugs, and effing babes. Good call, Jimmy Page.

That's it. Rock stars. Occult. Nuff said.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Doesn't anyone else contribute to this blog any longer!?! Gordon Gartrelle was once a hotbed of racial and political discourse. In order to stir up controversy and thus reignite Gordon Gartelle's primal fire, I have decided to post a list of offensive words and terms. Please comment on them or personally attack me as you see fit...

Nigger Poontang
Chernozhopyi (antiquated, and Russian)
Chink Poontang, Nigger
"Nigger, the Kyke on the Wetback mission Chinked all over our Spic reserve!"
"If a cocksucking faggot ever tried to queer up on my wife, I'd shove my double-gage shotgun down his cornhole-fellating queermo mouth!"
Did you hear the one about the Muslim woman who took off her veil? (please submit potential punch-lines to this set-up in the comments section)
"You people"
Niggertron (in the future, duh!)

I am trying so hard to be offensive. Please hate me. But actually, please love me.

I Love You All (even the Niggertron prototypes that Halliburton is developing),


Monday, April 19, 2010


He was groovy. Too bad he's dead.

Also, the terrible interviewer in this video looks like me.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

A visit from Kate: personal digital anthropology

Been awful quiet on here.   Everybody busy livin life I guess.  Good job y'all.  On a personal note, here are some of the things I've googled in the past few months.  Stars indicate I remember when and/or why I undertook the search.  $ indicates a search that was in some way precipitated by a conversation with another GG blogger.  Hyperlinks to results that were most relevant to my intentions. 
This functions as a bizarre sort of diary, onto which I can map recent experience in a completely nonlinear way.  E.g. I'm fairly certain I was drunk when I googled "quotes about life" but improbably sober and focused when I decided to learn more about "words that start with H." You should try it!  Then erase it all!

aafia siddiqui
ahab with a whale (image search)
al franken map*
baby razor*
be there in a few knots (not actually a phrase)
best ab toning exercises
birdman* (also)$
brian eno tammy wynette*
can you train pigs like dogs*
cottage industry
death metal rooster*$
driving with dilated eyes*
eating whales
eureeka's castle
fastest magician in the world*$
free willy mj
flying squirrel suit
gore orphanage haunted legend*
gucci mane
gummy bears
history of jetpacks
hydration vessel
how to carmelize onions*
how to start a militia*
human ovulation*
i feel when you
ice cream paint job*
is there a real life mario big world*$ (I have googled some version of this on at least 4 separate occasions)
kim jong il chef memoir *$
killer whale attack human
letters to a young poet
mario lopez* (image search)
most amazing banana bread (really good)
"mr. pizza cake" $ (image search)
my clinique facewash smells terrible why*
naked chinese man attacks car*
no more monkey business
places to smoke in newark airport* (remote googling for someone else)
puppy bowl lineup*$
put it on blast
people got a lotta nerve
psychology of extreme sports
quotes about life
rap video
razor that won't hurt a baby*
ride my turtle
roberto kusterle*
runaway jury
shakin it for daddy michelle trachtenberg
showgirls 2
situation room
smurf x-ray*
stooges rider
talespin theme*
time traveling hipster*
terrifying frog*
toys for pot bellied pigs*
unblocking people on gchat*
verdi mart*$
(photographic proof)

was james mason a dbag*
wax rhapsodic
wayne's world dog costume
what is up with whales
words that start with h*
xanax $
young chuck norris


Friday, April 9, 2010


Author of the new book:
"Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover."


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

An Evening with Baron Vaughn and Hari Kondabolu

A stand-up comedy jam with Gordon Gartrelle homies Hari Kondabolu and Baron Vaughn. Two Minority Fest 2009 performers.

WHAT: An Evening with Baron Vaughn & Hari Kondabolu

WHERE: Comix NY (353 West 14th Street)

WHEN: Thurs.

COST: $20 Door, $15 Advance ($10 with Discount) and 2 drinks




really the fire right now for cfe

I do miss you guys a bunch.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

FROM THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET...Hang Out --> Passover --> Pass Out --> Hangover

This year, my mother and I decided to host a Passover Seder. Unfortunately, none of my friends wanted to come.

4:28 PM – Upon mother’s request, I tidied up the house by hiding all unseemly items (Third Reich flatware, radical Palestinian literature, etc.) in the garage before the massive influx of judgmental Jewish retirees begins. Should I start drinking yet? Probably. Will I? No. One must learn the fine art of pacing. And of not blacking out in front of aforementioned retirees.

Fig. 1 - A rare image of North American Jews in their natural habitat. Note the presence of spectacles and red wine.

6:45 PM – Went for a burn cruise under the guise of “returning some video tapes”. Fortunately for my plan’s success, none of the other Jews were hip to the American Psycho reference. I smoked some hash, the unleavened form of marijuana. This seemed appropriate, since it was all Moses and his band of wanderers had to take bong rips of during their 40-year desert adventure.

7:19 – Seder in progress. Being the youngest person at the table by a margin of no less than 30 years, I had to read all Four Questions. Thing is, in the Haggadas we used, they weren’t phrased as questions, but rather as statements. So I had to amend each with a Seinfeldesque, “What’s the deal?”. BAM! Turned it into a question! So glad I got stoned.

7:37 PM – A vicious argument over what qualifies as a “macaroon” just erupted. I left the table without excuse.

7:51 PM – The lady with short, grey hair has some sort of hearing-aid device implanted DIRECTLY INTO HER SKULL! It is somehow complimented by a super Star Trek-looking ear piece. Baller. Except she can’t hear worth shit.

8:07 PM – The retirees have begun prying into my personal life. No good can come of this. I just chased two Klonopins with a swig of gin. That ought to shut them up (or at least make me misinterpret their verbal judgments as enchanting psychedelic folk jingles).

8:23 PM – Just had a rousing, 12-minute conversation with a Matzo ball. Nice guy. He said his name was Christian, which I found odd.

8:40 – The women are arguing over who saw Joan Baez live in concert the earliest. Right now the winner is Ellen, with 1963. I am currently overhearing two separate conversations about Bob Dylan……..

8:43 – Now there are two conversations about Judy Collins! They both evolved independently. I feel as though I’m watching the origin of land-borne life itself. Except everyone keeps saying really embarrassing things.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

A visit from Kate: Poet Aydah Al Aarawi Al Jahani

Sorry for ragging on slam poetry all those years.  
But the game show element, it does help.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sunday, March 14, 2010


so all these jawnny boys may have gone virallissimo, but i'd like to bring them back to the forefront for GORDON GARTRELLE'S FIRST ANNUAL GORDON GARTRELLE CELEBRITY DRUG (CON)TEST! It's up to you, the faithful reader, to figure out what (combination of) drugs each of these celebrities is on! Put your answers in the comments, and the best one will receive some sort of prize, probably a digital one that has no value in the real world or even on the internet. BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY HAVE YOUR NAME AND SOME BOOBS ON IT, SO IT WILL BE INVALUABLY COOL.

note that the other gordon gartrelle writers are NOT exempt from this contest, because without them, the contest would only be open to Mike Shamoon and the japanese spambots that really like

first, obviously:

next, one of the most befuddling:

and finally, the most buhlarious:



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