cf edley takes a long time

So I'm gonna be quick here, and just post two real hot cuts that are making me feel allright allright.
The first is a Paradise Garage joint by some crew called Class Action, and it's the mix by the dood Lerry Levan who made all the hottest music. According to the wik he died in a "real pile" of drag queen bodyguards, which is awesome. This particular cut is my new favorite. I really strongly very much do encourage a docile/spastic 8min listen, cuz new stuff happens all the time, like the fucking outrageously hot synth line at 1:30, and it really takes some grooving to to realize that this is a minimalist geniuspiece. Actually, if you don't have 8 minutes for this song you can go to hell. Enjoy it with cocaine on your genitals:


The second cut is also a Lerry Levan touch. This one by the NYC Peech Boys, who were hot shit while I was still dead. But if I could dance before life it would be to a cut like this:


And now I decides to toss in a real dirt heavy old dub from Joe Gibbs, cuz Gibbs are the real genius, and he have the style I love and respect:


Massive love to all wonderers. No jacket required. Full effect
-cfe

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From the Annals of the Flinternet...ROCK STAR SEX

Remember when pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III crash landed a US Airways flight into the Hudson River back in January? Well his boner certainly remembers, because that's the day when he and his wife started banging like jack hammers.



This is what Sully and his wife look like. They have way better sex than you do.



In a recent interview with Matt Lauer, Sully and his wife bragged about how being a national hero makes lie-down hugs much more fun.



I once backed my mom's Jetta into a dude in a crosswalk. I should at least get an HJ.

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\\\\\\\\ that christian side-hug

The day after running a piece on the toll texting may be taking on teenagers the NY Times outdid themselves and ran my favorite piece on teenagers that was printed between May 26 and May 27, 2009. Entitled "For Teenagers, Hello Means 'How About a Hug?'", it was a piece exposing the teenage phenomenon of HUGGING. Let's take a look inside teen hugging:

"There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.

'We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug,' said Danny Schneider, a junior at the school, where hallway hugging began shortly after 7 a.m. on a recent morning as students arrived. 'The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.'"

Pause little dunny.

Actually, check out the NBC Reno news video on this Times page about HUG High. Scroll down a little: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html.

Now, several months later....

It took Jesus a while but here he is with his rebuttal (as spoken through the mouths of rapping teenagers) to those left-wing commie godless liberals and their geigh hugging: The Christian Side Hug. Shoutout @jonahweiner for the tip:

In other news SFJ had a point but he jumped the gun as periodization is a dicey thing. It wasn't until this song was written and performed that hip-hop died. Good evening America.

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A VISIT FROM DAP: SMART SIPS MILK AD FREAKED ME OUT

I was flipping through an issue of Redbook which was terrifying in it's own right before I stumbled across this awful ad for Gerber Smart Sips (fortified milk for hot, hot babies). I find this man-cow unbelievably terrifying and couldn't continue reading the magazine. Maybe it's just me. Someone ought to Photoshop this thing into some movie posters. I'll sleep on the winner's couch.

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BOOBTUBE: RUBE GOLDBERG HATES YOUR NUTS

hipped to this by former interviewees Everything Is Terrible who were in turn hipped by crap-scavenger Chris Ward, here's the next mile marker on Bored Suburban Kids Expressway:

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A VISIT FROM AUNT BOOB: I VISIT SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAMS

since i've been having nothing but physically debilitating dreams lately, i haven't been privy to posting my nocturnalisms as much, but here's a pretty dope one my friend had (is this against the rules?), which she sent via text after visiting me in new orleans:

"I just had a dream that i ws at ur new hs and it was a lake hs on a swamp n u lived w 2 frat guys n the viscious killer lady from the comic im reading. then we went to the beach n jumped into a giant plastic tub filled w wheat grains n stomped them into corn mash to make moonshine. like grapes."

suffice to say, that's a pretty accurate description of what my life is like.

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BEN GLANT IS STEAMING ARTICHOKES

I went to get a new phone (Blackberry, shit is dope) and found some AT&T in-store magazine. In an article meant to describe to old people how to use Facebook. I found this incredibly infuriating picture of a made-up dude named Ben Glant and his supposed Facebook page. Does this make anyone else incredibly angry? FUCK THIS DUDE!

Also, atypicalmodernist? NICE TRY AY TEE 'N' TEE!

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A VISIT FROM DAP: COMPETING KALASHNIKOV VODKAS

I was watching Stephen Colbert the other day (the dude, not the show) and he had a segment (that he acted out in his back yard for some reason, weird) about Mikhail Kalashnikov. Towards the end there was a photo of some vodka in an AK-47 shaped bottle that piqued my interest for whatever reason. I looked it up and lo and behold, two completely different vodkas both claiming to be endorsed by the K-man. Maybe they boith are? Also, make sure to check out their competing URLs www.kalashnikovvodka.com and www.vodkakalashnikov.com. NOW THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL, AM I RIGHT?

The non-gun shaped vodka is also associated with something called the Nikita Girls, which seems like some sort of Russian whore service in the UK. "If you want to contact us for an evening of Russian fun..." What does that mean? No fun? OTC Prescription-strength drugs?

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BOOBTUBE: BEST INTERNET FILM SINCE THE LAST THING I PUT UP

this is truly wonderful.



also check out this youtuber's other masterpiece.

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BOOBTUBE: BYRNE BABY BYRNE

so I really can't tell how many people have seen this, because it varies between either "um, no one" or "EVERYONE DUH" when i'm in different circles, so I'm just gunna put it up here, because of course everyone i ever talk to reads this blawg.

anyway, it's David Byrne Interviews David Byrne, made as an epilogue for Stop Making Sense. It's one of the best short films I've ever seen, and also has some of the best interview questions and interview answers of any interview I've seen. Also acting. And costumes. And set design. I'm not kidding.

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From the Annals of the Flinternet...RAPE TUNNEL

I was recently informed about the latest installation piece by artist Richard Winehouse. Entitled "Rape Tunnel", it takes the form of a long, darkened passageway constructed of wooden beams. This is what the Rape Tunnel looks like:

In keeping with the piece's title, Winehouse claims, in his artist's statement, that he will rape anyone who walks through it. This project comes in the wake of his previous piece, the "PUNCH-YOU-IN-THE-FACE TUNNEL", which resulted in a lawsuit when he broke a model's nose. Do you think I'm leading you on? How dare you!?! I outta rape-punch you for doubting my sincerity! Here's an article that lends legitimacy to my claims. Now, part of me respects Mr. Winehouse for pushing the boundaries of what is considered "art" in a climate in which it seems as though every boundary has already been pushed, ever avenue trodden down countless times. But another part of me concludes that he a rapist. So here are some less severe suggestions I have for Mr. Winehouse as he conceptualizes future artistic undertakings:

1) Owl Turds Tunnel: Same basic idea, except there's owl shit EVERYWHERE. You can finger the owls, but only if they consent.

2) Grape Tunnel: Fun for the whole family! White attire is not recommended.

3) Rape-Whistle Tunnel: An exuberant lesbian teaches art enthusiasts about rape prevention. Day-glo orange rape whistles are included in the entry fee.

4) Ape Tunnel: Ape boners fuckin' EVERYWHERE! Wear your rain poncho, cause shit gonna get CRAY ZEE!

5) Crepe Tunnel: Come hungry, leave raped! (Title may be construed as misleading)

6) Cape Funnel: Dracula is here to PAR-TAY!

7) Rape Mirror: Can people rape themselves? Only one way to find out! And that way is to cut a small hole into the mirror. And on the other side of that hole: party Dracula from idea 6!

So, am I sitting on the cutting fucking edge of artistic vision or what? While Mr. Winehouse is crouching in his tunnel, greasing up his wiener and hoping a fat dude doesn't walk in, I remain here, in the realm of the anonymous internet, greasing up my wiener and hoping that True Blood is on. Have a Rape-Tunnel-worthy day!

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\\\internet radio. shits

i pride myself on putting people up on some new new. my homies nixon and vic hipped me to mayer hawthorne a year ago when i lived with nixon. hawthorne's on stones throw which is enough to sell me but beyond that shit was dope. shit was dope. it was dope. a year later hes blown up as expected and has delivered any time he's been tested. "tested?". i moved back in w those fools i mentioned earlier, on some personal shit, coincidentally. but.... yo - regardless of how weird the "any time he's been tested" sentence is peep this --->

so yeah

heres mayer hawthorne on kcrw radio. shit is actually amazing. the talky talky chatty chat is decent but hes amazing singing live and his shit is dope. im coppin the vinyl - http://www.kcrw.com/music/programs/mb/mb090908mayer_hawthorne

speaking of radio. ninjasonik on street carnage radio with derek beckles (sp? wtf. whatever yo its like 4 am and im with my dude and his girl and they're arguing so im escaping into the internet) had a great interview. a lot of highlights but for me the second getting poop on your hands and accidentally getting it on your collar while pooping i knew who the gold medal winner was.
http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/radio/ninjasonik/

oh man. im goin to sleep. one.

wait.

one of the dopest things DAP put me on to ever is stretch and bobbito when a drunk quincy jones showed up and when a drunk q tip called in. im gonna leave it to the hyperlink but i hope DAP comes in with an UPDATE w more info on how amazing this is. i cant believe he hasnt posted it already.
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=I5KMUZOW

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A visit from Kate: O Death

The end of mom and pop casket shops?

I like to support small business as much as the next joan the plumber, but it's hard when the "Dad Remembered" casket that I want is just so much cheaper... 

Other models include Lady de Guadalupe, American Patriot, Lovely in All Ways, and the uber-depressing Executive Privilege.   Please let me never be encased in a Walmart brand Executive Privilege casket.  Lest you worry that Walmart abandons its fuller-figured customers after a lifetime of patronage, check out the Regal Wide Body.    Four inches wider, "it is the perfect match for the person who lived life to its fullest."  Really?

I checked, but no one has reviewed or even asked any questions about any of these products yet.  

Sidenote- Searching the entire Walmart website for casket brings up only two other items: a Clipse album that drops 12/08/09, and this gem by a little band called Casket Salesman. Who, despite possibly having a painting of Das Racist as their album cover and songs named Art Sandwich, I'll Buy That for a Dollar, and Feeling Ten Feet Tall Parts One and Two, are not so great, with the music.  Was debating whether or not to even bother including them, except I made it to their wikipedia which says... that during Casket Salesmen's recent hibernation, founding member Phil Pirrone started a new band called Välmart!  I just thought that was weird.

Though Walmart's placid attempts at ubiquity creep me out, I can't really get down on somebody trying to save money in tough economic and emotional times.  I will say, as far as over-the-web casket purveyors go, I think I prefer this website.  

FAQs are actually very informative, no joke, I got distracted and read them all.  Here's a non-representative sample though:

33) Do we give credit? 
No.  We tried and it did not work.

34) Are our caskets guaranteed to not leak? 
No one's caskets can be guaranteed to not leak.  The rubber gasket that we have on every metal casket breaks down with the years.  When caskets are placed in a mausoleum the first thing that they do is to break the rubber seal so that the body can dry out naturally.  What happens if you put a piece of decaying matter in a sealed jar? You understand.  

On that note, here's an interview between excellent fellow Krishna Andavolu and the eminently soothing Robert Krulwich (bottom of the page) about promession, an eco-conscious alternative to burial and cremation.  It means that a human body upon death is flash-frozen and "hit with an ultrasound wave that shatters the frozen body into thousands of little pieces, so that it can be scattered wherever the deceased wishes."   Susanne Wiigh-Masak, the Swedish Biologist who patented the process in 2007, sees it as a green alternative to cremation whereby a body is reduced to “granules like instant coffee, but pinkish beige in color.”  In this jaunty little video your family can bury your remains in a biodegradable box, nurturing a tree or shrubbery of your choosing.  I think maybe there is a good shark food plotline somewhere to be found, for some sortof techno-noir thriller that maybe we could all write together, over twitter, to try to push back against the darkness/knowledge that we're all going to die/etc.

  

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From the Annals of the Flinternet...JESUS IS ON THE SCENE

Remember Jesus? You won't BELIEVE what he's up to these days!

Have you even wondered what the best website on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET is? Well wonder no longer, my misguided amigo, because I have located it for you. I'm not going to waste your time. Here's the site in question right here --> Jesus - With You Always. The artwork on this website is created by a gentleman by the name of Larry Van Pelt who, at the age of 50, decided to devote his entire life to producing drawings that depict the presence of Jesus in everyday life situations. The one problem was that Mr. Van Pelt had no drawing experience whatsoever. So he devoted a full 10 years to the drawings what you see on this website. I highly recommend that you read his story and ponder every drawing. But to simplify things, I've selected some of the choicest images and added appropriate captions. I invite you to take a gander...

"It's $20 for a half hour alone with the kid. $50 if you want me to take pictures."

"For someone with no dental experience, you're doing a pretty adequate job!"

"Way to play the faggiest instrument ever, queer!"

"So, uh, I see that you're trying to shove that metal rod into that cliff face. I know I'm not supposed to judge anyone, but dude, get a fuckin' life."

"Free Bird!"

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight..."

"Hee hee hee! Lookit the silly monkey man playing with his stupid monkey sticks!"

"It's ok, man. It happens to lotsa guys."

"You know what I always say. If there's grass on the field, play ball!"

"Ok dude. You've almost got the hand thing down. Just pull your three lower fingers in further. It's really not that hard. Just pretend you're finger-blasting a virgin."

"So, you've got 3 more years in Iraq, huh? Sucks to be you, bro. Don't pray to me, by the way, cause I've got this girl I'm pretty much spending all my time with. She's a PROFESSIONAL CONTORTIONIST! So, uh, try to avoid those land mines, I guess."

"Y'ever been to third base with the fucking SON OF GOD?!? Just put down that retarded book and take your shirt off."

"So do you like the Adderall? I know a guy who can get a bunch more. $5 a pill."

"Dude, I don't care if you're gonna fuck the dog. I really don't. But, for the collie's sake, please at least slather your bone with some vaseline or something."

"I told you I'd pay for half the abortion, baby."

BTW - I just realized that Kate totally scooped me on this shit back in May

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BOOBTUBE: THE O"BLOG"ATORY PSA POST

okay yeah i know sharing funny PSAs on the internet is older than youtube itself, but i just happened upon three pretty amazing ones in a row, and thought all 6 of our readers [=writers] would enjoy them.

first hanna barbera constructs an anti-drug psa that would be very enjoyable while high:


next Pee-Wee Herman begs to get sampled by talking about crack:


And finally: R2D2 smokes!


here's another star wars psa, where one alien at the cantina doesn't let his alien friend fly home drunk. it's not very good or funny.

oh shit, here's another one with the Ninja Turtles, and it's also shitty but it does feature Michaelangelo suggesting that if you're offered pot, the proper response is to get a pizza.

Who are the ad wizards that decided the best people to tell kids not use drugs are characters that would not exist if it weren't for their getting being extremely baked?

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A VISIT FROM DAP: COMPILATION OF CHARACTERS SAYING THE NAME OF THE MOVIE THEY ARE CURRENTLY TRAPPED IN

Had this idea four years ago though I did absolute nothing to actually make it happen. HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO BEAT ME TO IT?!?!

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