Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A VISIT FROM BOBKATE GOLDTHWAIT: DINOSAUR BONES

We have an internet book club, which is to say, conducted on the internet and rarely involving real books. Check out this dino-erotica, from the International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association, which has stories that cover pretty much every facet of JP-based dinorotica (why does blogger put the red squiggly line under that word?):

there's dino-egg-induced masturbation (starring Newman):
At the other end of the office, amidst the Pepsi cans and crisp packets, Nedry gazed at the stolen embryos on his desk, totally enraptured by the tiny unborn sex monsters. He was rocking a raging semi-on.

Almost without realising it, Ray had unzipped his trousers. Reaching down, he took his pulsing dinosaur devastator firmly in hand and, lustful eyes dancing across the erotic show in front of him, began to viciously choke his raptor raper with a furious passion.
which gets taken to a more psychosexual level:
As a single tear rolled down his shamefully fat face, he took a T-rex embryo and poured it into his mouth. Was ingestion the ultimate act of love, Dennis wondered? This action of consuming a beast, of being joined at a gut level, absorbing their life into yours? Was his love of eating just as pure and valid as his love for the park creatures? Right now, Dennis wasn’t as concerned with these questions, he just wished T-rex embryos tasted more like Pepsi and less like undercooked spunk.
Then tere's simple man-on-dino action (starring Goldblum):
Blood was just beginning to drip from the creature’s jaw as Malcolm exploded his unspliced, Mosquito free DNA down its throat and screamed “CHAOS THEORY!!!” at the top of his lungs.
And of course more complicated man-on-dino action:
It was this final image that threw Malcolm’s body into a sexual frenzy, his manhood erupting into his beast partner as tears fell down his face. He was in heaven, and yet ashamed of his appetites. He wiped himself off on the triceratops’s middle horn, kicked it in the face, and walked out slowly, leather trousers still around his ankles, tears streaming from his eyes.
But most of the shit is dino-on-man, often multiple sexosaurs ravaging one delighted human (starring Sam Neill and this thing):
He was no longer Dr. Alan Grant: Palaeontologist, he was Dr. Alan Grant: Keystone of a Massive Dinosaur Fuckfest! He would have had the hardest ejaculation of his life, if that hole wasn't currently filled with Gallimimus as well. [editor's note: what?]
Other characters tend to have as much of a fetish as the writers (starring the dude on the toilet):
The Rex snorted, and then slammed Genarro against it's fully erect and scaly Tyrannosword. It's brutal, dripping cockhead forced it's way between Genarro's soft, fleshy buttocks and pulled them apart into a diameter of roughly one and a half feet. Genarro bellowed with agony as the member tore through the lining of his colon and thrust it's way up towards his chest cavity.

Back in the first vehicle, Grant and Malcolm began to jerk off.
But really what's most impressive about these stories is the utter craft that the writers exhibit in their art:
The following happened in the space of three seconds: The T-Rex roared in pure sexual lust as it moved, it’s massive dong hitting Ellie in the chest and lifting her in a pole vault style, straight into the waiting raptor’s love hole. Ellie again attempted to scream, but her head was now completely inside the beast, and her lower half was quickly turned to a bloody pulp at the hands of the tyrannosaur’s frantic thrusting. The raptor receiver groaned in a mixture of pain and beastly approval of this three way.

As Ellie was discovering the true horror of being the condom in Tyrannosaurs/Velociraptor sex game, Grant emerged from the broken fossil remnants and preceded to teabag the dead raptor next to him.
And with that, I'll hand the reins back to Kate:

Personally I particularly enjoy the references to the ongoing conspiracy to keep quiet Sam Neill's on set affairs with velociraptors.
There's a facebook page

If you do enough trawling you come across these things from time to time.
dino on dino action




dino on car action


This dragon/castle encounter is particularly exciting, as it seems to me to document the crucial evolutionary step between the fairly mundane world of dinosaur porn proclivities and the sorts of backbarn ren faire encounters that get kids hooked on furries, LARPing, whatever it is kids are into these days.

An homage to male beauty by Etsy artist snew, the Michaelangelo of giant lizards.


Bob again, jumping back in with a related video haha:


There's also a more rapey version of that, and one starring a T-Rexxx, which is kind of dark, but you guys probably have your lights dimmed real low at this point anyway. Oh and it turns out to be factually accurate!

Oh one last thing: http://www.walkthedinosaur.com

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FROM THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET...Ruh Roh!

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Monday, January 25, 2010

A VISIT FROM AUNT BOOB: NON-IRONIC NON-EXCITING NICK CAGE DREAM

last night i dreamt that i was at a small bar with some friends and we were standing around chatting when nick cage walked in, and not at all in like a celebrity-walking-in way, he just sort of strolled in awkwardly and walked up to our circle and stood on the outside, and waited a minute before trying to laugh at one of our jokes and say something just to say something. he was like a kid in high school who used to hang out but who went away for a couple years and now that he's back he realizes he wasn't really friends with anyone to begin with. it was also weird that he wasn't drinking, he just had his hands in his pockets. he also had a bodyguard of some sort hovering even further behind, and kept nervously looking back at him, for some sort of comfort. at one point he turned to me and said "i heard you like pizza" and of course i confirmed and then he tried to think of something to follow that up with but all he could muster was "cool." then he and i were talking and i realized that his bodyguard was actually a cop, and when he would turn to look at him it was out of fear that the cop would disapprove, cuz at one point he leaned in and whispered to me "do you have any aerosol?" and i said "i have some compressed air, at home" and he looked both disappointed and ashamed, and immediately left, with the cop in tow.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

FROM THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET..."Mexicans were having sex with my mare" - Mark Harrington

So you guys probably know a bit about Prussian Blue, the musical sister act who use their Aryan angst to spread the message of white power. Blah blah blah. Old news. But did you know that Lamb and Lynx Gaede are FUCKING BONERLICIOUS!?!



Now, this brings us to a question of no small importance. Is the guilt that comes along with my physical attraction to these sisters due to their views regarding the varying shades and religious preferences of humanity, or to the fact that they are currently 17-years-old? I can perhaps assuage my shame by keeping in mind that they will, barring being killed in a firebombing, turn 18 on June.....uhhh.......sorry......all of my brain blood is busy rushing into my penis.

Watch this while I go releive myself of some, shall we say, racial tension.

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Friday, January 22, 2010

A VISIT FROM DAP: PROPHET ELIJAH SAMUEL

I got this email the other day. I'm surprised it worked it's way around the spam filter but I'm glad it did. I'm thinking about responding to Prophet Elijah Samuel, as long as his services run in the ten dollars or less range.

All Hail, MY name is Prophet Elijah Samuel, I am a Genuine psychic, i cast all kinds of spells, love spells, money spells, career spells, lottery spells,fortune spells and banishing spells. i also do psychic readings and spiritual help in all situations. I have worked for many people from different nations all across Europe,Asia, Africa and many others. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need any solution,fulfilled your heart desires. Nothing is impossible. my e-mail is: prophetelijahcoven@gmail.com Universal Favour Be Upon You

It's got a valid e-mail address and everything. What do you think?

(Peace to Corban Goble for snapping this flick with a Japanese Polaroid at Highline Ballroom)

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A VISIT FROM DAP: DISGUSTING MAN IN OSCAR MEYER SANDWICH AD

This fat loser is gross and has a racist vibe about him. I hope he chokes on that sandwich! (The "idea" of this man, that is, not the actual fat dude in the photograph). EWWW!

Also, that dude totally wouldn't say or think "goody". It's just a sandwich made with prepackaged sliced animal carcass you loser!


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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Oh here's a band and a guy and a band again good songs, CF Edley opines

Laerry Levan, mentioned before, made this mix:

So I was excited because Central Line also did the sample from the World of Fantasy beat, but really
which some asshole idiot finally decided to link to the Wayne. Anyway then I don't remember quite how I found the myspace guy who played that session but it said he played in this band
and I was pretty taken. With how Internet works.

THE NET IS HELPING THE UNIVERSITY OF ASMARA IN ERITREA WITH BOOKS ON EVERYTHING
thanks guys

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Monday, January 18, 2010

A VISIT FROM AUNT DEATH: TACO HELL

RIP GLEN BELL, FOUNDER OF TACO BELL, AND INVENTOR OF THE TELEPHONE.



Now he can be reunited with his beloved Gidget!

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Friday, January 15, 2010

A VISIT FROM TAL: CLAP 2010

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Is this the soca-ization of grime or the baltimorzation of blogs. i mean grime. . :


Does anyone know about this and not tell me?
I feel so lonely.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A DRAWING FROM DAP: IT'S OVER, DARRYL!



It's Over, Darryl! (2010)

click to enlarge

You can read either character's dialogue first, makes no difference.

First jammy of the new year. Drew it with a surgical skin marker and a Crayola marker. This'll be my last drawing for a bit, I need to get a 12 pack of Crayola markers somewhere, I can't use the colored pencils anymore, I don't know how to shade so it just takes too long. RUDE BWOY.

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A visit from Kate: Cat's out of the bag I guess

As to charges of being a traitor, I can't help it if I need more and more outlets to express things that less and less frequently resemble coherent thoughts.  Blame it on the times.  Also Andrew Flint has another blog but "you" hired "him" anyway?  Double standard! Also, he gets paid more than me? the fuck?  Gender discriminiation is out in 2k10, we're going to lose our fan base of high rolling tweens if we don't modernize, and then this blog will no longer be financially viable.  Just sayin.  AF's post is actually a good segue to this one, as it also asks hardhitting questions about the psyche of the male musician.  
check it out though, i'm saving my smartest thoughts for y'all:

why do so many alt/indie musician bros like cats?
what does posing with a cat do for a musician bro's image/personal brand?
do u think u can tell the difference between a staged photo of a musician bro with a cat and a candid one?  
do u think the "candid" ones are really staged? 
are there fewer pictures of lady musicians with cats? if so, might it reflect a lower overall number of successful female musicians?  or is it because bros seem more sensitive when posed with cats but ladybros run the risk of being called cat ladiesDon't be scared! Just do you!  
is there such a thing as a digital cat lady?  for how long do I have to focus exclusively on cat-related internet based content before achieving that rank?  gotta be close right? 
did you know audrey hepburn had a pet deer? 
ernest hemingway and john cassavetes were cat lovers, and "lovable" "assholes."  what can we extrapolate from this?  i was going 2 put marlon brando in this category but i don't know actually if he was a dick.  however, attempts to google it do come up with this famous picture of him sucking dick
what is the relationship between masculinity, celebrity, and cats?  what about between homosexuality, celebrity and cats?
are there any risks or downsides 2 making wild generalizations about cats, musicians, celebrities or anything else?
why do all of the real beatles have cute pictures with cats but i can only find a picture of ringo with a baby lion?  what does he have to prove?
what about u?
when u start 2 many blogs, and get confused about which is which, does your cat comfort u? 

Kurt Cobain duh

Wayne Coyne
  
Keith Moon
 
Morrissey, David Bowie

  
George Michael, Freddy Mercury
Beatles:

  
 
difficult creative types


 
Ernest Hemingway, John Cassavetes

Marlon Brando, Jean-Michel Basquiat


Morgan Freeman, Jimmy Smits

So the winners are...
Audience award- Jimmy Smits and Mini Me.
1st place- Paul McCartney.  Unafraid of being outcuted by TWO kittens, or of being photographed flinging a cat at a camera.  You really are the cute one Paul.  Bonus points for this photo with gratuitous farmcat and mountain man beard.



Grand prize- Henry Behrens, who at the time this photo was taken was the smallest man in the world, and kept that shit in the house with him.  Damn.

As a bonus, to show good faith, I'm going to reveal one of my tips for online journalism:
When doing research to confirm a "theory" always first attempt to google exactly the phrase you are thinking of.  Here are some theoretical examples:
-is marlon brando a dick
-female celebrity with cats
-ed droste with a cat
-vampire weekend with a cat
-ringo starr with a cat?
-what is up with audrey hepburn and that deer
-famous midget with a cat
-was james mason a dbag
EXTRA BONUS:
I find celebrity pet calendars hilarious since looking into them minutes ago.  This one unites Greta van Susternen, Steven Soderbergh, Jenna Fischer, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, Paul Rodriguez, and Warren Buffet!

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Monday, January 11, 2010

A DRAWING FROM DAP: TEEN QUEEN



Teen Queen (2009)

click to enlarge

Just saw Bad Lieutenant (the Werny Herzy one). It was good, but I was a little underwhelmed with the level of wilding from Nicholas Cage. I expected more drug use, wilding, screaming, kicking of people, gun usage, etc. Although when he yelled "TO THE BREAK OF DAWN" a few times, it was almost enough.

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Visit from Tal: Aaahh Real Monsters

This is pretty thorough:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_monsters


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FROM THE ANNALS OF THE FLINTERNET...Songs By Famous Men Who Think That Certain Women Are Pitiful

There's this trend, I've noticed, among successful male songwriters who pen tunes about foolish, pathetic women. These songs share multiple things in common: they express disdain rather than sympathy for the woman, they perhaps suggest past romantic encounters that are retrospectively viewed as regretful, and they imply that the singer has no fond feelings for the woman any longer. This type of song, which pops up over and over again, is clearly a shared expression of some relatively specific feeling that famous musician guys get. They find themselves surrounded by starfucking babes and, well, some of them are lame enough to write songs about. It should be made clear that these are not torch songs, and leave little room for the possibility of the women in questions finding redemption. They just talk about why the ladies suck.

Here are some prime examples:

Beck - Nightmare Hippie Girl



Most cutting line: "It's a New Age let down in my face / She's so spaced out and there ain't no space".

Led Zeppelin - Livin Lovin Maid



Most cutting line - "Alimony alimony paying your bills / When your conscience hits you knock it back with pills."

Rolling Stones - Stupid Girl



Most cutting line - "The way she powders her nose, her vanity shows and it shows / She's the worst thing in this world."

Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion



Most cutting line - "Talkin' about things that nobody cares / You're wearin' out things that nobody wears."

Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind



Most cutting line - "You're an idiot, babe / It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."

The Attack - Created By Clive



Most cutting line - "I've got feelings and I need love / Like you need a mirror and a powder puff."

Van Morrison - T.B. Sheets

Listen Here

Most cutting line - "Now Julie, there ain't nothin' on my mind more further away than what you're looking for."

The Zombies - She's Not There



Most cutting line - "It's too late to say you're sorry / How would I know, why should I care? / Please don't bother trying to find her / She's not there."

The Troggs - Evil Woman



Most cutting line - "You ain't got no feelin' / Just your dirty dealin'."

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Friday, January 8, 2010

A DRAWING FROM DAP: ONE PANEL OF A RACIST GRAPHIC NOVEL (PART 1)


One Panel of a Racist Graphic Novel (Part One)
(2009)

click to enlarge

Used a surgical skin marker.

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Thursday, January 7, 2010

A DRAWING FROM DAP: COMIN' 4 DAT AZZ!

Been freaking out a lot today and thinking someone was in my house, hiding behind doors, etc. Without further adue:


Comin' 4 Dat Azz! (2009)

click to enlarge

Made this terrible piece of garbage with colored pencils and a surgical skin marker. The scans will continue to be very bad but will get ze point across. Auto-leveled in Photoshop.
Also, the homie Kate Bryant apparently started a new blog (ahem, traitor) with a clever name, check it out: http://softtacohardbody.blogspot.com.

UPDATE: Check out this drawing from the 7th grade. I cannot get over how bugged the main dude is. Also, I think I had that middle part in my hair when I drew this. Click to enlarge.

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A VISIT FROM AUNT ROOB: GUEST DREAM BY ROB LEITZELL

rob typed this about 90 seconds after waking up, which was like 5 minutes ago:


so i had this dream right
where ray [tintori, the famed caterer] and i were in france but it was iphone france and we were moving on the map like in mario with the dotted lines and all
and we ended up in this women's bthroom where we were watching ladies shower, and then ray got a call about this concert that was gonna be joanna newsom (he called her newsie-som) and the band neu playing together one night only. joanna was gonna play tulipomania [by the hit British Sex-Pop band Boy Crisis] in its entirety and neu was gonna play Ys [by Joanna]. so ray wanted us to put together the guest list and it was really important but we couldnt find any paper, so we took this back door that ray said "led to the sarkozy" which appeared on the map but i think was actually the louvre, and there was dorms there like fauver [at everyone's alma mater, Ohio Wesleyan], and i had to find paper cause ray wanted to go back to the showers, but there was this mom in the dorm room and she didn't want me to mess up her sons papers because he was an accountant, so i kept having to write on carbon paper into the floor, and then call ray and tell him what it said. i finally got done, and found some printer paper, and rubbed the floor writings into the printer paper, btu then i got back into the secret tunnel and went to shower but all the girls screamed at me and ray said he'd already made a list.


Alright you baby freuds! Dissect this mess!

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A DRAWING FROM DAP: FUCKBUBBLES

I will be posting very bad art a few times a week from now on. This scanner absolutely fucked up this colored pencil drawing that sucked anyway. Without further adue:

Fuckbubbles (2009)

Click to enlarge

The circles were drawn using a compact disc and a wooden token drink ticket from Pianos. I found the colored pencils and charcoal in a closet I was cleaning. Here's a scan of that token, which is way cooler than this drawing and which I might not redeem for a watered-down whiskey ginger:


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Monday, January 4, 2010

A visit from Kate: You know what they say about it!

If you don't have all the facts, shut up! Yer wrong!






http://sweetsurprise.com/
Their website is so bright and sunny. I wish there was a friendly website to counter this one with facts about obesity and corporate food lobbyists and stuff, but as far as I know there are only sobering books and articles. Anyone?
Soshman put me onto these, thanks lifecoach.



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Sunday, January 3, 2010

I made a Nicki Minaj animated GIF. Yo I made a Nicki Minaj animated GIF.

Check it.



It's a freaking bitching Nicki Minaj GIF that's FUCKING ANIMATED*



*LIKE ROGER RABBIT, BISHES!!!**




**SHOUZ TO ALL MY HYPE BISHES!

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Ooops-WHAT!? It's Dubten?! Shit. CFE done did it.

Since my new years resolutions don't kick in till the 4th call it good that this is a best of 09 Gordy list or whatever.
Apparently Hima thought my whole life was about reggae and old soul. Turns out disco is pretty cool too though. Commas are asshole idiots though.
Order seems impossible. Shut up. Here's five really good tracks that i supposedly posted last year. I'll tell you which one's best at the end. Here's five really good tracks:

Slam Bam.


Saxon Sound is brilliant. Smiley Culture is the best name other than Carlton and the Shoes. That cut just goes on and on and hot. "Watch video more than television." Recently my friend asked me what language something was in, and then I translated the very buried english out of a Basement Jaxx song. So, maybe you won't enjoy that. But I hope you do. Silly skill.

Silly Games.


Janet Kay is a sadsweet genius. This song plays inside the chest. Rhythm like flutters. Get me rum, get me lambsbreath. Get me a girl in a hammock. Get me a shitty car and the wrong side of the road. Get me a rundown mansion full of silent bobo dreads.

Fire In My Heart.


Escape From New York? Really. This track changed my life a lil bit. But not as much as the next.

Yemmpa Aba.


Who the holy jerk is Ata Kak? Someone tell me something please. I love this guy more than anyone I've ever loved. I didn't really post this track, but did post the link to his catalog. Seriously about to call the Ghanaian ministry of culture and track the fool down, cuz he needs widespread exposure. Ata Kak is my artist of all time. Suffer the recording quality. Dance like a cripple. Swallow gasoline. Love your last cogent moments on earth. Ata Kak. Say it. I don't even care that this video cuts out before the song ends. Download it all cuz there's no telling how to get this fool guap.

So I hope that everybody had a wonderful party time and is ready for a better decade. Had a cool dream about eating a lot of raw meat on an airplane. Asked all my white friends how their faces stay on. Which is inappropriate, but still a good question. Glue? Static? Magic? Mine stays on with smoke. And with the knowledge that i can always dance like a lonely monster. Just copy the whole vibe of this dood in what remains in my eyes the best video ever:


2009 was an asshole idiot. Dubten gonna live bonk junks.

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FLINTERNET: Top 5 Things That Will Happen in 2010

5) Jaoquin Phoenix dies



4) Charlie Sheen receives oral sex from teenager



3) Tarantino says "nigger" a bunch in his next movie. Spike Lee gets his britches all in a twist



2) Well-behaved bear elected to California senate



1) Jews finally take a hint, all relocate to Israel "when they belong"



0) Just kidding about that last one



-1) Either people get angry or don't give a shit about the fact that I posted a picture of Muhammed



-2) Beer consumed by people

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A VISIT FROM BOOB: BEST TAGS OF THE 00s

apparently it was new years last night, which means Gordon Gartrelle has made it into yet another decade. To celebrate, I give you a non-ranking list of the best blog tags that we blog-tagged in the past ten years (with the number of times they were tagged):

about a dozen orange tabby cats lampin in a tree (1)
an umbrella that is also a condom (1)
an utterly racist but actually not that racist cyber experiment (1)
and fashion i guess (1)
animals without jobs (1) *
Antique Boner (1)
awkward existential moment (1) *
bad joke made by literally unconscious man (1)
baseball ain't just for fags (1)
BOYCOTT HUGS (1)
cats playing piano being respected like they were kings (2)
cooler brown dudez than dap and i (1)
Creepy Wiggle Party (1)
don't love the ocean too much (1)

• dreaming about blogging (2)
• dreaming about blogging about dreaming (2)
• dreaming about dreaming (1)

EVERYONE DUH (1) *
Finger-Blasting a Virgin (1)
finna blog more (1)
food is what we eat (1)
for real though? (1) *
friends that remind me of rap (1)
fuck every other country (1) *
funny pictures of people doing stupid shit (1) *
give Heems bank (1)
go homo (1)
HELL YEAHHHH (1) *
HELLA BORED AT WORK (1) *
hella gay stuff straight dudes do while high on herb as an ironic joke but really cuz maybe theyr hella sensitive dudes (1)
HELLA GOOD fictional cheese (1)
hima requesting journalistic qualities (2)
Hot Oprah cameo (1) *
i got fired today. (1) *
I never knew that web-slinging meant that (1)
INSANE CLOWN POSSE (1) *
internet. radio. drunk (1)
it's impossible to tag this photo with the word smoking without tagging giant skull smoking a giant spliff THANKS GUYS (1) †
landlord doesn't want to get involved in a rape (1)
less relish (1)
lolchair (1)
long ass posts (1) *
McDonald's sunroof (1)
money doesn't exist (2)
music and shit like that (2)
my wife an I are archeologists (1)
nacho man randy savage as a rap name (1)
NO ACTUALLY KILL ME IN REAL LIFE I MEAN (1)
not ever going to get laid (1) *
not hamburgers (1)
obama's extremities as cuisine (1)
oh homo (like oh yoko) (1)
Planet-sized Hamburger (1)
pointing out the sadness in others only to reveal the sadness in myself (1) *
pretty ok cosby jokes (1)
Random (1) *
raping the simpsons (1)
respectable negroes (1) *
ron artest is so hood but at rapping he is not (1)
Sleep with him (1) *
sloppy John Turturro (1)
slumberbubble? (1)
Sorry (1) *
sorry about the monkey joke Dap (1)
Swine Semen (1)
The "black CNN" (1)
THE FUTURE (1) *
the goddamn fuckin 80s (1) *
the sprite of sexiness (1)
theyr kids are prolly lame tho (1)
Ugly Ass Dude (1) *

• um (1)
• ummm (1)
• ummmmmmm (1)

very clever (airquotes) nyu student (1)
what the fuck is phil collins doing (1)
what the fuck is picard doing (2)
what's really good (1) *
what's wrong with my snake (1)
whore island (1)
wikipedophilia (1)
Wilding Failing Spell Check (1)
z behl dressed as pubes (1)
“You guys like rap music at all?” (1) *

* also nominated for Tags That Should Have More Than 1 Occurance
† the winner of this year's Gordy for Best Tag of the Decade.

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