So I'm gonna be quick here, and just post two real hot cuts that are making me feel allright allright.
The first is a Paradise Garage joint by some crew called Class Action, and it's the mix by the dood Lerry Levan who made all the hottest music. According to the wik he died in a "real pile" of drag queen bodyguards, which is awesome. This particular cut is my new favorite. I really strongly very much do encourage a docile/spastic 8min listen, cuz new stuff happens all the time, like the fucking outrageously hot synth line at 1:30, and it really takes some grooving to to realize that this is a minimalist geniuspiece. Actually, if you don't have 8 minutes for this song you can go to hell. Enjoy it with cocaine on your genitals:
The second cut is also a Lerry Levan touch. This one by the NYC Peech Boys, who were hot shit while I was still dead. But if I could dance before life it would be to a cut like this:
And now I decides to toss in a real dirt heavy old dub from Joe Gibbs, cuz Gibbs are the real genius, and he have the style I love and respect:
Massive love to all wonderers. No jacket required. Full effect
Sunday, November 29, 2009
So I'm gonna be quick here, and just post two real hot cuts that are making me feel allright allright.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Remember when pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III crash landed a US Airways flight into the Hudson River back in January? Well his boner certainly remembers, because that's the day when he and his wife started banging like jack hammers.
This is what Sully and his wife look like. They have way better sex than you do.
In a recent interview with Matt Lauer, Sully and his wife bragged about how being a national hero makes lie-down hugs much more fun.
I once backed my mom's Jetta into a dude in a crosswalk. I should at least get an HJ.
The day after running a piece on the toll texting may be taking on teenagers the NY Times outdid themselves and ran my favorite piece on teenagers that was printed between May 26 and May 27, 2009. Entitled "For Teenagers, Hello Means 'How About a Hug?'", it was a piece exposing the teenage phenomenon of HUGGING. Let's take a look inside teen hugging:
"There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.
'We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug,' said Danny Schneider, a junior at the school, where hallway hugging began shortly after 7 a.m. on a recent morning as students arrived. 'The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.'"
Actually, check out the NBC Reno news video on this Times page about HUG High. Scroll down a little: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html.
Now, several months later....
It took Jesus a while but here he is with his rebuttal (as spoken through the mouths of rapping teenagers) to those left-wing commie godless liberals and their geigh hugging: The Christian Side Hug. Shoutout @jonahweiner for the tip:
In other news SFJ had a point but he jumped the gun as periodization is a dicey thing. It wasn't until this song was written and performed that hip-hop died. Good evening America.
I was flipping through an issue of Redbook which was terrifying in it's own right before I stumbled across this awful ad for Gerber Smart Sips (fortified milk for hot, hot babies). I find this man-cow unbelievably terrifying and couldn't continue reading the magazine. Maybe it's just me. Someone ought to Photoshop this thing into some movie posters. I'll sleep on the winner's couch.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
since i've been having nothing but physically debilitating dreams lately, i haven't been privy to posting my nocturnalisms as much, but here's a pretty dope one my friend had (is this against the rules?), which she sent via text after visiting me in new orleans:
"I just had a dream that i ws at ur new hs and it was a lake hs on a swamp n u lived w 2 frat guys n the viscious killer lady from the comic im reading. then we went to the beach n jumped into a giant plastic tub filled w wheat grains n stomped them into corn mash to make moonshine. like grapes."
suffice to say, that's a pretty accurate description of what my life is like.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I went to get a new phone (Blackberry, shit is dope) and found some AT&T in-store magazine. In an article meant to explain to old people how to use Facebook I found this incredibly infuriating picture of a made-up dude named Ben Glant and his supposed Facebook page. Does this make anyone else incredibly angry? FUCK THIS DUDE!
I was watching Stephen Colbert the other day (the dude, not the show) and he had a segment (that he acted out in his back yard for some reason, weird) about Mikhail Kalashnikov. Towards the end there was a photo of some vodka in an AK-47 shaped bottle that piqued my interest for whatever reason. I looked it up and lo and behold, two completely different vodkas both claiming to be endorsed by the K-man. Maybe they boith are? Also, make sure to check out their competing URLs www.kalashnikovvodka.com and www.vodkakalashnikov.com. NOW THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL, AM I RIGHT?
The non-gun shaped vodka is also associated with something called the Nikita Girls, which seems like some sort of Russian whore service in the UK. "If you want to contact us for an evening of Russian fun..." What does that mean? No fun? OTC Prescription-strength drugs?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
so I really can't tell how many people have seen this, because it varies between either "um, no one" or "EVERYONE DUH" when i'm in different circles, so I'm just gunna put it up here, because of course everyone i ever talk to reads this blawg.
anyway, it's David Byrne Interviews David Byrne, made as an epilogue for Stop Making Sense. It's one of the best short films I've ever seen, and also has some of the best interview questions and interview answers of any interview I've seen. Also acting. And costumes. And set design. I'm not kidding.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I was recently informed about the latest installation piece by artist Richard Winehouse. Entitled "Rape Tunnel", it takes the form of a long, darkened passageway constructed of wooden beams. This is what the Rape Tunnel looks like:
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
i pride myself on putting people up on some new new. my homies nixon and vic hipped me to mayer hawthorne a year ago when i lived with nixon. hawthorne's on stones throw which is enough to sell me but beyond that shit was dope. shit was dope. it was dope. a year later hes blown up as expected and has delivered any time he's been tested. "tested?". i moved back in w those fools i mentioned earlier, on some personal shit, coincidentally. but.... yo - regardless of how weird the "any time he's been tested" sentence is peep this --->
heres mayer hawthorne on kcrw radio. shit is actually amazing. the talky talky chatty chat is decent but hes amazing singing live and his shit is dope. im coppin the vinyl - http://www.kcrw.com/music/programs/mb/mb090908mayer_hawthorne
speaking of radio. ninjasonik on street carnage radio with derek beckles (sp? wtf. whatever yo its like 4 am and im with my dude and his girl and they're arguing so im escaping into the internet) had a great interview. a lot of highlights but for me the second getting poop on your hands and accidentally getting it on your collar while pooping i knew who the gold medal winner was.
oh man. im goin to sleep. one.
one of the dopest things DAP put me on to ever is stretch and bobbito when a drunk quincy jones showed up and when a drunk q tip called in. im gonna leave it to the hyperlink but i hope DAP comes in with an UPDATE w more info on how amazing this is. i cant believe he hasnt posted it already.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
33) Do we give credit?
No. We tried and it did not work.
34) Are our caskets guaranteed to not leak?
No one's caskets can be guaranteed to not leak. The rubber gasket that we have on every metal casket breaks down with the years. When caskets are placed in a mausoleum the first thing that they do is to break the rubber seal so that the body can dry out naturally. What happens if you put a piece of decaying matter in a sealed jar? You understand.
Remember Jesus? You won't BELIEVE what he's up to these days!
BTW - I just realized that Kate totally scooped me on this shit back in May
okay yeah i know sharing funny PSAs on the internet is older than youtube itself, but i just happened upon three pretty amazing ones in a row, and thought all 6 of our readers [=writers] would enjoy them.
first hanna barbera constructs an anti-drug psa that would be very enjoyable while high:
next Pee-Wee Herman begs to get sampled by talking about crack:
And finally: R2D2 smokes!
here's another star wars psa, where one alien at the cantina doesn't let his alien friend fly home drunk. it's not very good or funny.
oh shit, here's another one with the Ninja Turtles, and it's also shitty but it does feature Michaelangelo suggesting that if you're offered pot, the proper response is to get a pizza.
Who are the ad wizards that decided the best people to tell kids not use drugs are characters that would not exist if it weren't for their getting being extremely baked?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The homie Despot hipped me to a link to some
EARLY 00'S UNDERGROUND RAP Dirty Projectors albums I wanted and while clicking through this disgusting ad for FAKE CIGARETTES popped up. This isn't that interesting, but look at the disgusting dude hawking them. Is that Danny Bonaduce? HE LOOKS SO BAD. Like I started getting scared looking at his face. DAMN YO. Little possibly Latino dude behind him is alright though, everybody needs some money.
UPDATE: Friend of GG Spencer just hipped me to the fact that the possibly Latino dude is none other than ACTUAL LATINO DUDE JOSE CANSECO. This keeps getting better. Actually talking with Spencer about Jose Canseco has got me interested in this shameless weirdo's life trajectory, more on that soon.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
At first glance it may seem like that Everything Is Terrible is just another ever-flowing font of amusing videos centered on people embarrassing themselves and/or culture as a whole, much like America's Funniest Home Videos, or COPS, or just all of YouTube. At second glance, they are still definitely that, but it becomes obvious that the worker bees behind EIT mine deeper into the depths (and I mean depths) of human culture than any other entity, digging up the rarest and most precious nuggets of cultural indignity, then laying those nuggets on that huge conveyor belt of divertissement that is the internet, which points directly at our eyes and ears and gaping maws, which swallow up EIT's video gems as they come pouring off the line (that metaphor was a trainwreck [new band name]).
i've posted EIT's shit before, and so has hima (glorious scarves!!), but I can't tell you how many mass-emails-with-just-a-youtube-link-and-a-subject-line-like-"Holy Fuck" i've composed with their stuff, to the point where every single video i was showing off to friends (you know, at parties and stuff) was one of theirs, kinda like the guy who goes around proudly telling jokes directly ganked from Jeff Foxworthy (you know, at parties and stuff). i even directly stole a bunch of their found footage and put it in a youtubey video of my own, which is a technique me and my friend Quentin like to call an homage.
the EIT youtube account was deleted a little bit ago (thas a bonafide merit badge in my book) so a lot of their original hilarities have been removed from the series of tubes, but here are a couple surviving examples of those nuggets I was blathering on about before. Open wide:
a DVD chock full of this delicious crap can be bartered for here
Okay, this post is about to get a lot longer, because everything thus far has been an introduction for YET ANOTHER XXXCITING XXXCLUSIVE GORDON GARTRELLE INTERVIEW XXXXTRAVAGONZO!!! This time we interview not one, not two, but A BUNCH of people all at once, because there's no way to interview an internet entity without interviewing each of the internetters it entails (dr. seuss helped me with that line). Here are the names of the dudes (and dudettes?) who make up Everything Is Terrible, or at least those that were willing to deal with the inane time-wasters I call questions:
- Ghoul Skool
- Lehr (the Intern) Thing
- Future Schlock
- Defenestrator III: On Broken Glass
- Airwave Ranger
- Yonder Vittles
- Commodore Gilgamesh
[NOTE THIS IS JUST A PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW. i asked way too many questions, and most of them were pretty shitty, but for the most part ALL SEVEN of these dude(tte)s put in their pennies for each query. so to not make this a true scrollfest, I'm posting one or two answers for each question, BUT THE COMPLETE INTERVIEW CAN BE FOUND IF YOU CLICK 'READ MORE' WHICH IS A BASIC BLOG FUNCTION THAT WE HERE AT GORDGART HAVE JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE FOR THE FIRST TIME. THANK YOU GOOGLE SEARCH]
have you ever walked out on a movie in the theaters? have you ever been in a movie where someone did that? what's up with that? my dad walked out on Pi, and I thought it was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing while the dude was drilling into his own frontal lobe. sorry, spoiler alert.
Ghoul Skool: BASKETBall, Tomb Raider, and Pi where I left my family and never looked.... Son? My only son! My, how you've disappointed me.
Airwave Ranger: For my dads birthday we went to Police Academy IV but some skateboard punks caused a riot in the mall and there was a full speed chase through our theater. The cops made us leave for "our safety."
Yonder Vittles: I walked out of A Bee's Life after the Jerry Seinfeld bee went to the closet to choose another sweater.
what's some shit they put in ice cream that they should not be putting in ice cream?
GS: Ever since Rape flavor was introduced in the late 90's, I've become pretty disillusioned to iced cream in general. I know the word 'rape' isn't a bad word, but god dammit- sometimes i think it should be.
LTI: Any shit at all would be pretty gross I'd think.
AR: Ben and Jerrys Thanksgiving Dinner was a bit much.
what's the largest vehicle you have operated? if your answer is minivan or smaller, skip this question.
LTI: A small maxivan.
what's the awesomest thing you've deep-fried? we're all expecting you to say some sort of candy, so you're really gunna have to wow us here.
DIII: A smaller deep fryer.
YV: Some sort of candy.
CG: so many things. i worked at mcdonald's for almost a year. here are a few: every type of condiment packet, whole eggs, a hat, a shirt, a shoe, a turd, a ball of fur (i think), ummm... i'm sure there were more. we deep fried so many things, like everyday. dangit, i wish i could remember. i'll get back to you.
did you hold off on having your first kiss with someone cause you didn't think it was special enough? i was going to ask this about losing your virginity, but no one cares about that.
DIII: I'm still saving my first kiss until Jesus tells me it's safe.
YV: Never came up.
CG: that is what i told/tell people. actually, i'm just terrified of being a creep, so i never touched/touch ladies until they force me to. it has worked out really nicely. seriously.
have you ever been in any physical fights? if so, describe at least one.
GS: I once got into a brawl with Commodore after a night of dancing and drinking to new wave music. The next day he went to the doctor and it turned out I punched him so hard he got pluracy (true tale!). That taught him never to mess with Big Daddy ever again. Since then, Mr. Gilgamesh ran off to the outskirts of town and he won't be bothering you decent folks anymore. But I'm no hero... or am I? Yes.
LTI: Yes. I was at this beach with my girlfriend and I really wanted to impress her so I kicked sand in this puny nerd's face. My girlfriend and I laughed so much at him. But then like 90 days later, I see this kid at the beach again and he's all buff and junk. He punches ME in the face and walks away with MY girlfriend. It totally sucked.
DIII: No, because I've always got my gun.
so do you guys just ride around in a minivan (or larger vehicle of choice) going to every thrift shop and garage sale, picking up every VHS you can get your hands on? Or do you make the interns do that?
GS: Hey, Turkey! Where do you get your information? First off, we begin each VHS odyssey (or Pussy Hunt, as we call it) by putting on tuxedos, washing our helmets, and of course, praying. We then hop into our custom built Power Wheels built by Commodore's subsidiary company, Big Boy Toyz- and raise hell all over town. After a long day of accosting meek gas station attendants, we eventually get restless and begin to raid suburban garages for goodies. The magic you see is a result of those great times we call 'weekdays!'
Same question goes for watching all those damn movies.
FS: Nope, we watch 'em all, sometimes on fast forward for the action movies. I am working on being able to screen two movies at once, at which time I will graduate to a level 6 video master.
AR: EIT is just a collection of Youtube clips right?
in wikipedia's description of the great 19th century Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi, they say "Everything is terrible and grand in his poems, which are the most agonizing cry in modern literature, uttered with a solemn quietness that at once elevates and terrifies us." Is this awkwardly poetic wikipedia line your namesake? Does Leopardi have a big influence on your work? Does Wikipedia?
DIII: You lost me at Italian poet.
AR: I admit it, huge fan. More people should read him. He's like a young Bukowski, only Italian.
I can't figure out where you are. Chicago?
AR: Why we've been right here in your heart the whole time.
If so, do you feel your work comes out of the oddly expansive Found Art culture that exists there? If you're not in chitown, are you influenced by the Found scene wherever you are?
DIII: There's not much of a found scene. It seems to be mostly small groups working independently from each other. However we all meet up once a year for Found Con which takes place inside the Detroit Auto Show.
YV: My work comes out of the oddly expansive sewer of popular culture - it just so happens that a major vein of well-preserved turds from this sewer runs through Chicago.
what's the single best place to get great videos?
GS: Nice try, dicknose!
LTI: Blockbuster Video.
YV: Your dad's house.
AR: Get your own schtick.
what's the single best place to get great weed?
LTI: Blockbuster Video.
YV: Your dad's house.
DIII: Shit, man, I was hoping you would know somebody.
what's the strangest place you've made love?
LTI: Blockbuster Video.
YV: Your dad's house.
DIII: The internet.
who is the only president who owned a patent?
DIII: William Howard Taft got stuck in a bathtub.
YV: Sorry to correct you, but there are actually eight. William Henry Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren G. Harding.
name five states with the same first letter as their capitals.
LTI: Fuck that.
DIII: That's not even a question.
CG: i can't think of any.
WHO IS THE GREATEST ACTOR OF OUR GENERATION?
GS: Anyone who starred in Boxer's Omen, or Slipstream.
YV: Rhonda Shear.
CG: i like the coreys a lot.
have you hooked up with him/her?
GS: Come on, dude. That's not funny.
FS: Our sect is celibate.
AR: Weak ending.
ZING! Now, I know you don't have a job, so go ahead and read the full thing:
I was in the passenger seat of a car on some sort of freeway that I understood to be in LA. I was with the guy who plays Oscar in the office, but in the dream I knew that he was an actor. We were driving around and it was slightly warmer than usual. Through some sequence of events I cannot remember, I came to learn that the sun was soon going to 'dwarf' and destroy the world. I remember then being in the basement of my old house in Queens listening to the radio which was telling people to prepare for the "possibility" that the sun was going to "dwarf" at "107.9" which I still don't understand at all, but was a recurring part of the dream. I was with the Oscar character again and we went to this strange beach that was just in the middle of downtown and began preparing for the end of the world, which was mostly just staring at the sun from this beach and talking to each other. A crowd of people joined us. I remember as the "time" (107.9) came closer I said something to the effect of "I don't know how this is going to end, so I'm just gonna say this real quick before saying this Kool Keith-like shit "107.9, I'm hiding in a basement/107/9 where ya face went?" Everybody started laughing and like five seconds later it started getting really hot and the Sun started getting bigger. The dream then cut to a view of the Earth from space as the Sun exploded. There was a long, nebulous part of the dream I don't remember but I could feel I was this floating energy in space and I was wondering if the other people I knew on Earth still existed. Then it cut to another view of the area Earth once existed in and two large planets collided and formed this new strange planet that had much rounder bubble-like masses of land but otherwise mostly resembled Earth. The next part was me, my long-time friend and DR engineer Daniel Lynas, the Oscar actor and a bunch of people I have never seen before meeting them on this new barren landscape, except we were much "closer" to other structures of the Universe, there wasn't a sky. It would look like living on a planet with no atmosphere. I remember there was an intense joyous feeling because we all "existed" again and we all started hugging each other. At one point, a "black hole" began forming and I was alerted to the fact that the citizens of the new planet were watching as a gigantic planet-sized hamburger was floating into the black hole. For some reason, this was very sad and meaningful to all the new citizens. I remember that this made everybody start acting like they did back on the "Old Earth" and it was very depressing. I started flying so I could grab the Hamburger. I managed to get one bun and the patty when I began being sucked into the black hole, but I wasn't at any point scared. Then a voice in the dream said "You wanna show them?" or something like that and there was this insane sequence of events where I flew through this weird space tunnel looking at all these celestial space things and it ended in "the center of the universe" which was this incredibly beautiful and gigantic space that had as it's center a Nataraja and there was an Om-like chant I could hear. I woke up with the incredibly bright sun on my face.
Nataraj is a depiction of the Hindu god Shiva as the cosmic dancer who performs his divine dance to destroy a weary universe and make preparations for god Brahma to start the process of creation. (Wikipedia)
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's 2009! It's almost 2010! Thanks to the internet, mostly, you can appreciate hardbody emcees from the Bronx whose hood tails you genuinely believe and that'll blurt out an unnecessary "I Kill Faggots" in the middle of a rap battle and at the same time appreciate a band like Grizzly Bear fronted by a gay dood. Right? Should I feel weird about my conflict of musical interests? It could be worse. I could be a juggalo. Or a maggot. Or instead of a fan of one of those two bands, ICP and Slipknot, I could be a maggalo like these two guys:
Fuck them richie-hoes as well. Fred the Godson is not a good looking man. I don't hold this against him. Though it should be mentioned because the other night while sitting around having our rap youtube party it seemed to be the topic of more discussion than dude's actual rhymes. So let me just get that out there. That said, he's a talented ass dude and when he rhymes about the snub nose firearm he carries having allergies and sneezing at you I get chills (no homo). Also he has a rhyme about Bin Laden and how his connect has been Latin. Nice.
(pro homo). After Two Weeks and another leak were out there and everyone eagerly anticipated Veckatimest I was worried the best material was already out there but to me Ready, Able was the standout track. I've said this before but the melody that kicks in at that 2:23 mark brings back memories of the Mohammed Rafi and Kishore Kumar my father played at home when I was younger. It's probably universal but something about it seems very Indian to me. Anywho, as the standout track on the album I was psyched (no pun intended, perhaps this will make more sense when you see it) to hear about this new video. Much akin to Grizzly Bear bein a real problem in the music game (and that's an urban talk compliment if you ain't know), apparently Allison Schulnik is a problem in the music video, claymation, art game because this shit is stunning. Absolutely stunning. It's creepy, depressing, inspiring, beautiful and there's never a dull moment. Me likey.
To be fair I believe Grizzly Bear has contributed a lot more to the music game than Fred the Godson. I just like large dudes (pause, more a result of biggie and my being like 8 when i dug that shit than anything else, pause) spitting about violence and drugs a lot. A lot.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
today i bring you a lawless boobtube post, where no rules dictate the triad of videos to come except for the rule that there are no rules to be ruled by.
First is a vid by gordgart favorite (and interviewee) Dallas Penn, himself interviewing Tron Guy on, what else, the lawlessly failing economy:
Next is a clearly-90s video showing off the Chippendiddys, a group of probably-11-year-olds lawlessly dressed and dancing like everyone's favorite male strippers:
And finally, an old favorite, Paul McCartney's 'Coming Up' from the unequivocally lawless 1980 album McCartney II (i blawgged about another track before). This vid features Sir Paul a dozen times over, playing many of rock history's most lawless characters, including
Roy Orbison Hank Marvin, Keith Moon Ginger Baker, Ron Mael, and even an early-Beatles version of himself:
CAN YOU NAME THE REST?
Monday, November 2, 2009
since this has become something of a running joke in the GG culcha cipha, I will put you on, internet. Giggs is a rapper from the UK who has crafted one of the best rap hooks of modern times on his song "Yeah" off of his mixtape "Who Said Dat?" For those not in the know, Monster Munch are "natural roast beef flavour hunks."