Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: DAWSON CRYING + (STARTING) THE XX CONTROVERSY

Found this video of Dawson crying, closely related to my own video of James Van Der Beek from Varsity Blues. I updated it a bit to loop and slow down at the end.

Enjoy.




Also, I want to help create a controversy around awesome band the xx. While looking for pictures of their brown bassist, I stumbled upon this picture of a male member (Jamie Sith or Oliver Sim, no clue) drinking a beer. UNDERAGE DRINKING ALERT? It might be a root beer or something, who knows. Also, I am highly encouraging this behavior, merely pointing that it's against the laws of the land.

Read More...

Monday, September 28, 2009

A VISIT FROM KATE: mEnZwEaR

I like how they used to advertise men's clothes.


"Easy on, easy off, quick as a flick of her tongue."  Have you ever worn a one-piece outfit?  I call shenanigans.  Although I do like the idea of this guy constantly shimmying in and out of his one-easy-piece.  Also, "Because one is enough, when it's you."  What does that mean.  Think about it more. 


"Excuse me, I'm in the market for a belted sweater, one that has that certain.. je ne sais quoi..."
"Well sir, can I interest you in our lovely new line?  It's a little Prince Humperdinck, a little Ted Danson, but with a fanciful twist!"
"Go on..."


It's about time.  

Now onto pants.

Great, good. 



 Male scrubbed Jeans and Casual Slacks are built to take it!  Is it just me or does this ad seem a little confused?


Anti-establishment post-grad slacks? Whatever, sign me up. 



I researched this, but can't get the final word on whether it is a parody ad that ran in rolling stone in 1975 or a real pair of pants designed by Eldridge Cleaver.  It is in his wikipedia: 


It is useful to have celebrities endorse products, because we all know most people lose all ability to make rational decisions about buying things in the face of the dazzling knowledge that they too might one day film ads for Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. 

There's a nice subgenre of ads that equate the item in question with the power and sexiness of large cats. 

Wear this= feel like a fucking lion.  Probably hang out with one.



Probably turn into one. 



This one tries to dig a little deeper, with an attempt at unpacking just why these stripes are so great. "Bengal stripes are reversed- the color dominates, not the white. They were discovered 200 years ago in the province of Bengal in India, also famous for its tigers." Facts!  But from whom, sir, did you appropriate the eyepatch?


If I wasn't so dazzled by the fine-ass thighs behind those straight lines I might be able to connect the dots on this one... but I just don't get it.  I just have this weird urge to turn into a rug.

Read More...

AUNT BOOB VISITS THE ASLYUM: MEGA SHARK vs GIANT OCTOPUS

i am here to introduce you to one of the most amazing and respectable film production companies on the streets today:



The Asylum is a straight-to-DVD movie company that is noted for it's extensive revue of "mockbusters," ie low-budge, unabashed rip-offs of high-budge action and scifi flicks, released right before their big brothers hit theaters. Four examples:











You see those stars?? Other outstanding pieces of their faux-wave cinema include The Day The Earth Stopped, I Am Ī©mega, Street Racer (knock off of both Speed Racer AND Fast & Furious), The Terminators, Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, 18 Year Old Virgin (really?), and oddly enough Sunday School Musical.

The head of the company has this to say: "I'm not trying to dupe anybody. I'm just trying to get my films watched. Other people do tie-ins all the time; they’re just better at being subtle about it. Another studio might make a giant robot movie that ties into the Transformers release and call it Robot Wars. We’ll call ours Transmorphers."

But really, folks, what we should be talking about here is:



Yes. This is a movie stars Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, a Mega Shark, and a Giant Octopus. It is not a rip off of any movie in particular, but is rather a wholly unique piece of pure schlock genius.



I had the good fortune to be able watch the whole thing last week, totally sober, and it was more enjoyable than any shitty d-grade action movie that we grew up watching on TNT or while in a Blockbuster, waiting for our moms to pick out a good Chevy Chase movie for us to watch that night. Anyway, I happened to discover what twitter is for, and live-tweeted my experience watching MSvsGO. here are some highlights:

  • now on a drilling platform in japan. dude says "everything's gunna work out I promise" THEN ENORMOUS TENTACLES RIP THE PLATFORM APART #IRONY
    Sun Sep 20 18:22:03

  • haha debbie says "let's get a drink" and it cuts to her and oliver platt on the beach drinking pints in brown bags.
    Sun Sep 20 18:28:38

  • debbie gets fired. evil boss: "Don't love the ocean too much. It doesn't love you back."
    Sun Sep 20 18:38:58

  • im going to stop starting tweets with any variation of "haha," but they should still be implied for every single one.
    Sun Sep 20 19:01:09

  • commander: "No." cut to shark, back to commander: "NO!" shark, commander: "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
    Sun Sep 20 19:25:31

  • 2nd science montage! so many test tubes with dyed water! staring in a microscope and shaking heads! mixing dyed water and shaking heads!
    Sun Sep 20 19:49:57

  • making out in the supply closet! crossfade to post-coitus on the floor. now they're discussing how attraction is based on smell.
    Sun Sep 20 19:56:37

  • holy shit this movie is only half over.
    Sun Sep 20 20:07:56



If you're so inclined, you can read the full livetweet by clicking that tempting "Read more..." link at the bottom of this post, or this separate webpage dedicated to it.

Also, future plans include watching another Asylum jam (DEATH RACERS starring INSANE CLOWN POSSE!!) and livetweeting it simultaneously with the Godfather of Gartrelle himself, Hollywood Heems (whose livetweet of Sex and the City with @JamesDewey inspired me to LT in the first place). Stay tuned, you lazy blog-readers you...

Read More...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Jordan Embeds: Birth Videos

Here are just a few examples of the many births that are happening, and will continue to happen, all around you. You can't stop an army!


Pretty cool the way she says "I love you" at the end.


I like this one.


This one is pretty fucked up.

Dedicated to all pregnant women, and young filmmaker Benh Zeitlin.

Read More...

Friday, September 25, 2009

New Guinea Interactive Video

Click and drag inside the movie frame to change the point of view.



This has been a visit from me, Jordan Nathaniel Fish.

Read More...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

CULTURAL NUGGETS

Gonna cut off my main man Bobby Weiszy with this quick oh shit! interruption. The Hip Hop Theatre Festival, which I didn't know existed, just hipped me to this awesome sounding thing:

Hip-Hop Theater Festival kicks off with DEEZ NUTS, a workshop production in honor of the highly acclaimed underground rap duo the Beatnuts, written by long time music writer Sacha Jenkins, co-conceived with noted promoter Peter Oasis. Deez Nuts explores the rich musical legacy of the Beatnuts through the performance of their tunes by the maestros themselves; Deez Nuts also canvases the sights, smells and characters of their native Corona, Queens. A fellow Queens-ite turned journalist, on a fact-finding mission, returns to the old neighborhood in order to meet group members Psycho Les and JuJu. This journey not only nets cultural nuggets about the Latino duo and their surroundings, but crucial observations about self and the state that created hip hop.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/eve/1385402044.html
(slightly more info)

Read More...

A VISIT FROM AUNT BOOB: ROLLS ROYCE VIDEO

so in the early 80s in Ghana, when the movie market wasn't booming and VCR technology had yet to make into most households, some dudes got the idea to make a 'mobile cinema.' they'd drive a VCR and TV from town to town, showing bootlegs of the biggest releases of Hollywood and African cinema. so not only is that brilliant and awesome (case in point: they sometimes went by Rolls Royce Video, though there's no indication of what they were driving), but it also inspired a seriously striking art form: the movie posters.

dudes would get artists to paint huge promotional posters on canvas, in whatever way they wanted. Les Artistes were given total freedom to put in whatever shit they could dream up, which helped because many of them weren't able to see the movies beforehand. Many are pretty good interpretations of Western flicks:

The heart instead of an O is the winning touch for me
here they obviously saw the original poster, but serious kudos for good taste
here toothere's sort of a theme emerging...
FAS Bond! Dickfish! Infinity Space Car!I think this one might be utterly accurate.
dude looks so surprised a giant demonic chainsaw is ruining his family vacay
Cujo, the Stephen King horror flick about a ravenous St Bernard, is now a feel-good family film about a sedated French Spaniel who cries blood sometimes.
I haven't seen Twins in a while, is this what it's about?

But really the best posters are for movies I don't think made it to our shores. I don't know how much of the poster content is made up, but regardless, pretty much every single one makes me want to fly over there and buy up a couple dozen VHS copies and then show them around the states:


I do not apologize for the length of this post.

[via these three things]

Read More...

A VISIT FROM DAP: SPEECHWRITER'S ASSISTANT

I had a dream that I was the assistant for a speechwriter named Qudus (pronounced Kadeuce like the MTV asshole) who was also somehow the president of Iran, so I guess he wrote his own speeches. He was the great new hope for the Middle East, something like that. We were at a gigantic rally with signs and people holding banners in New York, which was filled for some reason with burly white dudes and the types of people who would take the Saint Patrick's Day Parade mad seriously. We had a security contingent with us as we walked through the crowd that was two white cats, who did nothing but just follow us around and get rubbed on, and my friend Dashiell Mitchell-Brody was there and had a pistol, which was cool. As we're walking through the crowd the speechwriter gets SHOT IN THE HEAD and we all hit the ground and the crowd starts screaming. Dash pulls his gun out and runs into the crowd. It was me and one of the cats (the other one disappeared) and this dead guy on the ground. I woke up (IRL) and the TV was blasting CNN. Muammar Gadaffi was addressing the U.N. with a really bad translator with a funny accent.

Read More...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: "That fat ginger annoys me. "

Kids being tortured over some corn syrup and sugar. The titleof this post is a comment from a dude whose youtube handle is SocialHelper. When I was that age I would definitely have sat there and not eaten that marshmallow. I was a good kid!

Read More...

BOOBTUBE: IT'S RAINING CATS AND RUSSIANS

as a companion to dap's floating dog sighting, i bring you this shit:



unfortunately it does not feature exactly what you want to see, an on-body camera of this deranged (zooted?) man free-falling with his fucking feline, but you do get to see the cat realize his plummeting fate at the last second, and struggle to no avail to avoid the impending terror that lies directly below him.

found on FUCKYOUCAT.COM

ps. i believe this video holds the Best Youtube Title crown right now. it's so good i want to see a major hollywood named the exact thing, letter-for-capital-or-lowercase-letter.

Read More...

KONDABOLU BROTHERS - REGARDING MUSTACHES

From the June 7th, 2009 UKBP at the Capitol Club in Seattle.

Read More...

A VISIT FROM DAP: MISERABLE MAN IN RV COMMERCIAL

Watch this old classic, a man screaming and cursing/cussing/swearing his way through an RV/Winnebago commercial. Apparently, they made a feature length film about this dude called Winnebago Man, it was at SXSW 2009. I can't find it yet, but I'm looking forward to watching it one day. The day I TURN INTO JACK REBNEY, RV SALESMAN THAT IS.

Read More...

Monday, September 21, 2009

New Blogger: Tal Rozen

Hey, what's up. Look at this video.


1987 Beastie Boys in Japan TV Show 11PM feat. Kaori Kuroki:

Read More...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: PROPAGANDA ON DRUGS

"This trippy tribute to America's 200th birthday was funded by a Bicentennial Project Grant and animated by Vincent Collins who made other psychedelic cartoons. This film was produced by the United States Information Agency -the government's propaganda agency."

Watch a bald eagle look around for a few seconds then transform into the liberty bell. Awesome.


Read More...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: "MEN'S LONG HAIR SITE"

While googling "matrix long haired dude" trying to respond to an email thread with an attached image of that long haired dude from The Matrix, I dug up this beauty of a site from 1997. Most of the pages are long gone, but this one (and a few others) still exist, the second 'Samson' of the month.

This month's Samson is Jimmy, a house painter. Jimmy is 42 and keeps his hair under a hat all day, so nobody would normally suspect he has such long hair. Jimmy has had long hair for nearly his whole life. He cut it once in his teens, and it has been growing ever since.

Just keep changing the number in the URL to see the next month, the 3rd dude is Willie Nelson!



Read More...

Friday, September 18, 2009

HUGS BAR BOYCOTT

UPDATE: SIGN REMOVED: GLOI (Good Looking Out Internet) aka SHUT EM DOWN

Hugs bar, located at 108 N. 6th street (across from The Lovin' Cup/Cameo Gallery, Zablowskis which are both better options than Hugs) has this SUSPECT sign up at their bar, fuck these dudes. NOBODY GO TO HUGS, DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM GOING THERE. Next time Chillin' Island is around the way we're gonna try and have a talk with the owner and see what's really good.
"WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SELECTIVE" Hmmm...

HUGS NOT 'THUGS'?

(The Gothamist picked this up, too. GG murked em. Peace to williamsboard.)

Read More...

A VISIT FROM DAP: VIDEO DATING MONTAGE

Peep this 80's video dating montage. I've listed some choice quotes underneath.


  • "Executive by day, "HWHILD" man by night"
  • Bitch ass Mike who doesn't smoke - loser
  • Bath with champagne dude is terrifying
  • "Trendy girl with a simple smile"
  • "What I'm not looking for is some big overgrown monster that's always thinking about food"
  • "I'm looking for the goddess.." is alright
  • "No fattys, no hamsters, no dopers, no smokers, no alcoholics, no donna juanitas, no poseurs, no crazies,
  • "I'm currently involved in cleaning up toxic waste"
  • "I average about four hours of sleep"
  • "I'm interested in most phases of data processing" - AWESOME (Bob Weisz?)
Expect a Gordon Gartrelle dating video montage in the future, folks!

Read More...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A VISIT FROM DAP: PANAMANIAN CRYPTID

This one might be even cooler than the Montauk Monster (also, anything living in Montauk is inherently a monster, duh). Anyways, this guy was apparently beaten to death by a bunch of teenagers.

"According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City.

Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water."

Sweethearts.


Read More...

Google Analytics