Sunday, November 8, 2009

A VISIT FROM AUNT BOOB: EVERY INTERVIEW IS TERRIBLE


At first glance it may seem like that Everything Is Terrible is just another ever-flowing font of amusing videos centered on people embarrassing themselves and/or culture as a whole, much like America's Funniest Home Videos, or COPS, or just all of YouTube. At second glance, they are still definitely that, but it becomes obvious that the worker bees behind EIT mine deeper into the depths (and I mean depths) of human culture than any other entity, digging up the rarest and most precious nuggets of cultural indignity, then laying those nuggets on that huge conveyor belt of divertissement that is the internet, which points directly at our eyes and ears and gaping maws, which swallow up EIT's video gems as they come pouring off the line (that metaphor was a trainwreck [new band name]).

i've posted EIT's shit before, and so has hima (glorious scarves!!), but I can't tell you how many mass-emails-with-just-a-youtube-link-and-a-subject-line-like-"Holy Fuck" i've composed with their stuff, to the point where every single video i was showing off to friends (you know, at parties and stuff) was one of theirs, kinda like the guy who goes around proudly telling jokes directly ganked from Jeff Foxworthy (you know, at parties and stuff). i even directly stole a bunch of their found footage and put it in a youtubey video of my own, which is a technique me and my friend Quentin like to call an homage.

the EIT youtube account was deleted a little bit ago (thas a bonafide merit badge in my book) so a lot of their original hilarities have been removed from the series of tubes, but here are a couple surviving examples of those nuggets I was blathering on about before. Open wide:




a DVD chock full of this delicious crap can be bartered for here

Okay, this post is about to get a lot longer, because everything thus far has been an introduction for YET ANOTHER XXXCITING XXXCLUSIVE GORDON GARTRELLE INTERVIEW XXXXTRAVAGONZO!!! This time we interview not one, not two, but A BUNCH of people all at once, because there's no way to interview an internet entity without interviewing each of the internetters it entails (dr. seuss helped me with that line). Here are the names of the dudes (and dudettes?) who make up Everything Is Terrible, or at least those that were willing to deal with the inane time-wasters I call questions:

  • Ghoul Skool
  • Lehr (the Intern) Thing
  • Future Schlock
  • Defenestrator III: On Broken Glass
  • Airwave Ranger
  • Yonder Vittles
  • Commodore Gilgamesh
These colors will be preserved throughout the interview (another idea I stole directly from these guys when they sent their questions back. but I'm pretty sure they stole it from gmail, so, steal it forward)

[NOTE THIS IS JUST A PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW. i asked way too many questions, and most of them were pretty shitty, but for the most part ALL SEVEN of these dude(tte)s put in their pennies for each query. so to not make this a true scrollfest, I'm posting one or two answers for each question, BUT THE COMPLETE INTERVIEW CAN BE FOUND IF YOU CLICK 'READ MORE' WHICH IS A BASIC BLOG FUNCTION THAT WE HERE AT GORDGART HAVE JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE FOR THE FIRST TIME. THANK YOU GOOGLE SEARCH]


have you ever walked out on a movie in the theaters? have you ever been in a movie where someone did that? what's up with that? my dad walked out on Pi, and I thought it was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing while the dude was drilling into his own frontal lobe. sorry, spoiler alert.

Ghoul Skool: BASKETBall, Tomb Raider, and Pi where I left my family and never looked.... Son? My only son! My, how you've disappointed me.

Airwave Ranger: For my dads birthday we went to Police Academy IV but some skateboard punks caused a riot in the mall and there was a full speed chase through our theater. The cops made us leave for "our safety."

Yonder Vittles: I walked out of A Bee's Life after the Jerry Seinfeld bee went to the closet to choose another sweater.

what's some shit they put in ice cream that they should not be putting in ice cream?

GS: Ever since Rape flavor was introduced in the late 90's, I've become pretty disillusioned to iced cream in general. I know the word 'rape' isn't a bad word, but god dammit- sometimes i think it should be.

LTI: Any shit at all would be pretty gross I'd think.

AR: Ben and Jerrys Thanksgiving Dinner was a bit much.

what's the largest vehicle you have operated? if your answer is minivan or smaller, skip this question.

LTI: A small maxivan.

what's the awesomest thing you've deep-fried? we're all expecting you to say some sort of candy, so you're really gunna have to wow us here.

DIII: A smaller deep fryer.

YV: Some sort of candy.

CG: so many things. i worked at mcdonald's for almost a year. here are a few: every type of condiment packet, whole eggs, a hat, a shirt, a shoe, a turd, a ball of fur (i think), ummm... i'm sure there were more. we deep fried so many things, like everyday. dangit, i wish i could remember. i'll get back to you.

did you hold off on having your first kiss with someone cause you didn't think it was special enough? i was going to ask this about losing your virginity, but no one cares about that.

DIII: I'm still saving my first kiss until Jesus tells me it's safe.

YV: Never came up.

CG: that is what i told/tell people. actually, i'm just terrified of being a creep, so i never touched/touch ladies until they force me to. it has worked out really nicely. seriously.

have you ever been in any physical fights? if so, describe at least one.

GS: I once got into a brawl with Commodore after a night of dancing and drinking to new wave music. The next day he went to the doctor and it turned out I punched him so hard he got pluracy (true tale!). That taught him never to mess with Big Daddy ever again. Since then, Mr. Gilgamesh ran off to the outskirts of town and he won't be bothering you decent folks anymore. But I'm no hero... or am I? Yes.

LTI: Yes. I was at this beach with my girlfriend and I really wanted to impress her so I kicked sand in this puny nerd's face. My girlfriend and I laughed so much at him. But then like 90 days later, I see this kid at the beach again and he's all buff and junk. He punches ME in the face and walks away with MY girlfriend. It totally sucked.

DIII: No, because I've always got my gun.

so do you guys just ride around in a minivan (or larger vehicle of choice) going to every thrift shop and garage sale, picking up every VHS you can get your hands on? Or do you make the interns do that?

GS: Hey, Turkey! Where do you get your information? First off, we begin each VHS odyssey (or Pussy Hunt, as we call it) by putting on tuxedos, washing our helmets, and of course, praying. We then hop into our custom built Power Wheels built by Commodore's subsidiary company, Big Boy Toyz- and raise hell all over town. After a long day of accosting meek gas station attendants, we eventually get restless and begin to raid suburban garages for goodies. The magic you see is a result of those great times we call 'weekdays!'

Same question goes for watching all those damn movies.

FS: Nope, we watch 'em all, sometimes on fast forward for the action movies. I am working on being able to screen two movies at once, at which time I will graduate to a level 6 video master.

AR: EIT is just a collection of Youtube clips right?

in wikipedia's description of the great 19th century Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi, they say "Everything is terrible and grand in his poems, which are the most agonizing cry in modern literature, uttered with a solemn quietness that at once elevates and terrifies us.[citation needed]" Is this awkwardly poetic wikipedia line your namesake? Does Leopardi have a big influence on your work? Does Wikipedia?

DIII: You lost me at Italian poet.

AR: I admit it, huge fan. More people should read him. He's like a young Bukowski, only Italian.

I can't figure out where you are. Chicago?

AR: Why we've been right here in your heart the whole time.

If so, do you feel your work comes out of the oddly expansive Found Art culture that exists there? If you're not in chitown, are you influenced by the Found scene wherever you are?

DIII: There's not much of a found scene. It seems to be mostly small groups working independently from each other. However we all meet up once a year for Found Con which takes place inside the Detroit Auto Show.

YV: My work comes out of the oddly expansive sewer of popular culture - it just so happens that a major vein of well-preserved turds from this sewer runs through Chicago.

what's the single best place to get great videos?

GS: Nice try, dicknose!

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

AR: Get your own schtick.

what's the single best place to get great weed?

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

DIII: Shit, man, I was hoping you would know somebody.

what's the strangest place you've made love?

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

DIII: The internet.

who is the only president who owned a patent?

DIII: William Howard Taft got stuck in a bathtub.

YV: Sorry to correct you, but there are actually eight. William Henry Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren G. Harding.

name five states with the same first letter as their capitals.

LTI: Fuck that.

DIII: That's not even a question.

AR: BOOOOORING

YV: Really.

CG: i can't think of any.

WHO IS THE GREATEST ACTOR OF OUR GENERATION?

GS: Anyone who starred in Boxer's Omen, or Slipstream.

YV: Rhonda Shear.

CG: i like the coreys a lot.

have you hooked up with him/her?

GS: Come on, dude. That's not funny.

FS: Our sect is celibate.

AR: Weak ending.


ZING! Now, I know you don't have a job, so go ahead and read the full thing:

FULL INTERVIEW:

have you ever walked out on a movie in the theaters? have you ever been in a movie where someone did that? what's up with that? my dad walked out on Pi, and I thought it was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing while the dude was drilling into his own frontal lobe. sorry, spoiler alert.

Ghoul Skool: BASKETBall, Tomb Raider, and Pi where I left my family and never looked.... Son? My only son! My, how you've disappointed me.

Lehr (the Intern) Thing: I've walked out of every Chris Rock vehicle I've ever seen.

Future Schlock: The Cable Guy. It wasn't my idea, but in retrospect it was a good decision.

Defenestrator III: On Broken Glass: Nope, I always stay to the bitter end.

Airwave Ranger: For my dads birthday we went to Police Academy IV but some skateboard punks caused a riot in the mall and there was a full speed chase through our theater. The cops made us leave for "our safety."

Yonder Vittles: I walked out of A Bee's Life after the Jerry Seinfeld bee went to the closet to choose another sweater.

Commodore Gilgamesh: yes, i have. once. i think it was the mummy. i guess when people leave they have to do something else, that is outside of the movie room, but i'm really not sure.

what's some shit they put in ice cream that they should not be putting in ice cream?

GS: Ever since Rape flavor was introduced in the late 90's, I've become pretty disillusioned to iced cream in general. I know the word 'rape' isn't a bad word, but god dammit- sometimes i think it should be.

LTI: Any shit at all would be pretty gross I'd think.

FS: baby teeth

DIII: Fruit.

AR: Ben and Jerrys Thanksgiving Dinner was a bit much.

YV: Rollos and High Fructose Corn Syrup

CG: i'm not really sure. i can't eat much of the ice cream nowadays, it makes me gassy. the whole thing makes me very sad.

what's the largest vehicle you have operated? if your answer is minivan or smaller, skip this question.

LTI: A small maxivan.

DIII: A horse.

YV: These days I get around town in a stretch VW Microbus that runs on human feces.

AR: The Supervan for sure, that thing seats 10 comfortably.

CG: a john deere combine.

what's the awesomest thing you've deep-fried? we're all expecting you to say some sort of candy, so you're really gunna have to wow us here.

LTI: Chicken

DIII: A smaller deep fryer.

YV: Some sort of candy.

CG: so many things. i worked at mcdonald's for almost a year. here are a few: every type of condiment packet, whole eggs, a hat, a shirt, a shoe, a turd, a ball of fur (i think), ummm... i'm sure there were more. we deep fried so many things, like everyday. dangit, i wish i could remember. i'll get back to you.

did you hold off on having your first kiss with someone cause you didn't think it was special enough? i was going to ask this about losing your virginity, but no one cares about that.

LTI: Kissing sucks.

DIII: I'm still saving my first kiss until Jesus tells me it's safe.

AR: It's not that it wasn't special enough, it's that Jesus' three rules are no biting, no touching between the legs, and no kissing on the lips.

YV: Never came up.

CG: that is what i told/tell people. actually, i'm just terrified of being a creep, so i never touched/touch ladies until they force me to. it has worked out really nicely. seriously.

have you ever been in any physical fights? if so, describe at least one.

GS: I once got into a brawl with Commodore after a night of dancing and drinking to new wave music. The next day he went to the doctor and it turned out I punched him so hard he got pluracy (true tale!). That taught him never to mess with Big Daddy ever again. Since then, Mr. Gilgamesh ran off to the outskirts of town and he won't be bothering you decent folks anymore. But I'm no hero... or am I? Yes.

LTI: Yes. I was at this beach with my girlfriend and I really wanted to impress her so I kicked sand in this puny nerd's face. My girlfriend and I laughed so much at him. But then like 90 days later, I see this kid at the beach again and he's all buff and junk. He punches ME in the face and walks away with MY girlfriend. It totally sucked.

FS: One time I was at a party and I told my friend that I had never actually punched anybody, so my friend was like "you can punch me in the stomach." I did and I guess I knocked the wind out of him, because he took a step back and was like "shit, man, I didn't mean for real." But we were drunk and I gave him a cigarette and everything was OK. That's all I got.

AR: Are you kidding me? I know how to stop the wall attack.

DIII: No, because I've always got my gun.

CG: only 2 - one was with a 300 lb mentally retarded sex offender, who spun me around and slammed my body into the walls and frigidaire. the other was with my best friend when i was like 13. he punched me in the eye/nose because we disagreed over who sang that 'popular' song. it was nada surf and i was right. my parents came down and i was bleeding everywhere. we told them that i fell. i ended up having a black eye for 10 months.

so do you guys just ride around in a minivan (or larger vehicle of choice) going to every thrift shop and garage sale, picking up every VHS you can get your hands on? Or do you make the interns do that?

GS: Hey, Turkey! Where do you get your information? First off, we begin each VHS odyssey (or Pussy Hunt, as we call it) by putting on tuxedos, washing our helmets, and of course, praying. We then hop into our custom built Power Wheels built by Commodore's subsidiary company, Big Boy Toyz- and raise hell all over town. After a long day of accosting meek gas station attendants, we eventually get restless and begin to raid suburban garages for goodies. The magic you see is a result of those great times we call 'weekdays!'

LTI: Yes.

YV: Its more like a space ship than a minivan. Our VHS Hunting Crafts are made of space aged concepts and technologies that your earth culture could never comprehend.

FS: I wish. We all do it ourselves, we don't go on field trips all that often.

DIII: Yes. We also sleep in that van.

AR: I feel like you are trying to get us to talk about Supervan? Not going to happen.

CG: we do occasionally ride around in a cargo van, purchasing many vhs at once, but we always leave far more behind than we save. it is sad.

Same question goes for watching all those damn movies.

GS: None of us have seen a movie in years. That's what accounts receivable is for.

LTI: Yes.

YV: I like watching the tapes and wallin' myself off from the rest of creation. There just ain't nuthin' like kickin' back with a nice frosty sixer and couple huntin' videos to while away an afternoon.

FS: Nope, we watch 'em all, sometimes on fast forward for the action movies. I am working on being able to screen two movies at once, at which time I will graduate to a level 6 video master.

DIII: We ship all the tapes we find over to Korea, and six months later, they send back the finished 3 minute nuggets of hilarity.

AR: EIT is just a collection of Youtube clips right?

CG: i spend many hours watching things, sometimes i do it with others present.

in wikipedia's description of the great 19th century Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi, they say "Everything is terrible and grand in his poems, which are the most agonizing cry in modern literature, uttered with a solemn quietness that at once elevates and terrifies us.[citation needed]" Is this awkwardly poetic wikipedia line your namesake? Does Leopardi have a big influence on your work? Does Wikipedia?

GS: With great enthusiasm!

LTI: Does this answer need to be double-spaced?

FS: Uhm, what? No, but since it makes us sound smart you can totally say he does.

DIII: You lost me at Italian poet.

AR: I admit it, huge fan. More people should read him. He's like a young Bukowski, only Italian.

YV: So that poem is like public domain now...right?.

I can't figure out where you are. Chicago?

GS: How dare you. HOW DARE YOU. Don't you get it? EIT isn't a place. It's a state of mind.

LTI: That kid doesn't even look like me.

FS: Partially. I am there.

DIII: We have offices in every major city.

AR: Why we've been right here in your heart the whole time.

YV: My cell of EIT is indeed located in Chicago, but we have sleeper cells located all over the globe.

CG: we are everywhere.

If so, do you feel your work comes out of the oddly expansive Found Art culture that exists there? If you're not in chitown, are you influenced by the Found scene wherever you are?

GS: TV Carnage. The rest can wash my helmet.

LTI: I've found myself to be influenced by many scenes, yes.

FS: We stay at home most of the time, so no. The internet and the rest of EIT are what influence me.

DIII: There's not much of a found scene. It seems to be mostly small groups working independently from each other. However we all meet up once a year for Found Con which takes place inside the Detroit Auto Show.

YV: My work comes out of the oddly expansive sewer of popular culture - it just so happens that a major vein of well-preserved turds from this sewer runs through Chicago.

AR: I have yet to be influenced by anyone or anything.

CG: i'm not sure what a 'scene' is. i do know that i've always wanted to be a part of one.

what's the single best place to get great videos?

GS: Nice try, dicknose!

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

FS: not telling.

DIII: Youtube.

AR: Get your own schtick.

CG: chicago thrift stores (i know it isn't a single place, but they are all so good)

what's the single best place to get great weed?

GS: I grow my own creeper schwag now. Best thing I've ever done for myself.

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

FS: not telling. We must have some secrets.

DIII: Shit, man, I was hoping you would know somebody.

AR: There's a few delivery dudes I could email you info on.

CG: i don't know. it makes me hallucinate nowadays. another sad story.

what's the strangest place you've made love?

LTI: Blockbuster Video.

YV: Your dad's house.

DIII: The internet.

AR: Pi-Delta-Pi house

CG: megabus bathroom, i guess.

who is the only president who owned a patent?

LTI: Abraham Lincoln.

DIII: William Howard Taft got stuck in a bathtub.

CG: i don't know. i bet yonder vittles knows.

YV: Sorry to correct you, but there are actually eight. William Henry Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren G. Harding.

name five states with the same first letter as their capitals.

LTI: Fuck that.

DIII: That's not even a question.

AR: BOOOOORING

YV: Really.

CG: i can't think of any.

WHO IS THE GREATEST ACTOR OF OUR GENERATION?

GS: Anyone who starred in Boxer's Omen, or Slipstream.

LTI: You, baby.

DIII: Quentin Tarantino.

YV: Rhonda Shear.

AR: Toss up between Sean Penn, and That Guy Who Played Bill The Butcher

FS: It's a tossup between Dolph Lungren, Robert Z'Dar, and Nicholas Cage in "the Wicker Man."

CG: i like the coreys a lot.

have you hooked up with him/her?

CG: no

LTI: I'll let you answer that.

GS: Come on, dude. That's not funny.

FS: Our sect is celibate.

DIII: Sorry, that story is a People magazine exclusive.

YV: I have my VHS tapes.

AR: Weak ending.

4 comments:

Dap said...

Damn, these dudes are total pros at answering stupid questions properly, I could learn a thing or two or three or four or five or six or seven or eight or nine or ten or eleven or twelve or thirteen

THERAPEUTIC TYPING

Adam said...

A hard-hitting interview. You ask the questions other bloggers don't dare to ask.

KOOL A.D. said...

i can't believe commodore gilgamesh deep-fried a turd at mcdonald's

boobs said...

i can't believe the actual gilgamesh didn't do that.

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