i am here to introduce you to one of the most amazing and respectable film production companies on the streets today:
The Asylum is a straight-to-DVD movie company that is noted for it's extensive revue of "mockbusters," ie low-budge, unabashed rip-offs of high-budge action and scifi flicks, released right before their big brothers hit theaters. Four examples:
You see those stars?? Other outstanding pieces of their faux-wave cinema include The Day The Earth Stopped, I Am Ωmega, Street Racer (knock off of both Speed Racer AND Fast & Furious), The Terminators, Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, 18 Year Old Virgin (really?), and oddly enough Sunday School Musical.
The head of the company has this to say: "I'm not trying to dupe anybody. I'm just trying to get my films watched. Other people do tie-ins all the time; they’re just better at being subtle about it. Another studio might make a giant robot movie that ties into the Transformers release and call it Robot Wars. We’ll call ours Transmorphers."
But really, folks, what we should be talking about here is:
Yes. This is a movie stars Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, a Mega Shark, and a Giant Octopus. It is not a rip off of any movie in particular, but is rather a wholly unique piece of pure schlock genius.
I had the good fortune to be able watch the whole thing last week, totally sober, and it was more enjoyable than any shitty d-grade action movie that we grew up watching on TNT or while in a Blockbuster, waiting for our moms to pick out a good Chevy Chase movie for us to watch that night. Anyway, I happened to discover what twitter is for, and live-tweeted my experience watching MSvsGO. here are some highlights:
- now on a drilling platform in japan. dude says "everything's gunna work out I promise" THEN ENORMOUS TENTACLES RIP THE PLATFORM APART #IRONY
Sun Sep 20 18:22:03 - haha debbie says "let's get a drink" and it cuts to her and oliver platt on the beach drinking pints in brown bags.
Sun Sep 20 18:28:38 - debbie gets fired. evil boss: "Don't love the ocean too much. It doesn't love you back."
Sun Sep 20 18:38:58 - im going to stop starting tweets with any variation of "haha," but they should still be implied for every single one.
Sun Sep 20 19:01:09 - commander: "No." cut to shark, back to commander: "NO!" shark, commander: "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Sun Sep 20 19:25:31 - 2nd science montage! so many test tubes with dyed water! staring in a microscope and shaking heads! mixing dyed water and shaking heads!
Sun Sep 20 19:49:57 - making out in the supply closet! crossfade to post-coitus on the floor. now they're discussing how attraction is based on smell.
Sun Sep 20 19:56:37 - holy shit this movie is only half over.
Sun Sep 20 20:07:56
If you're so inclined, you can read the full livetweet by clicking that tempting "Read more..." link at the bottom of this post, or this separate webpage dedicated to it.
Also, future plans include watching another Asylum jam (DEATH RACERS starring INSANE CLOWN POSSE!!) and livetweeting it simultaneously with the Godfather of Gartrelle himself, Hollywood Heems (whose livetweet of Sex and the City with @JamesDewey inspired me to LT in the first place). Stay tuned, you lazy blog-readers you...
AUNT BOOB VISITS THE ASYLUM:
MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS
MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS
- I AM ABOUT TO LIVE TWEET THIS MOVIE: MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS http://bit.ly/A5Cdu
Sun Sep 20 18:00:21 - this movie stars Debbie "Deborah" Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas
Sun Sep 20 18:01:58 - This movie is directed by Ace Hannah, who is in no way a real person.
Sun Sep 20 18:02:53 - this guy flying a military helicopter around the alaskan coast is wearing plastic aviators from chinatown and has a cold sore.
Sun Sep 20 18:05:31 - a lot of cgi ice just fell off an arctic shelf, causing the copter pilot to look up into the sky for some reason
Sun Sep 20 18:06:40 - now debbie gibson is piloting a submersible with a joystick while wearing a tight black tank top. i think she also has fake black nails on.
Sun Sep 20 18:07:38 - copter dude's radio: "Remember lieutenant, this mission is classified. Should be any trouble, the government will deny your existence"
Sun Sep 20 18:09:23 - this movie is probably 20% footage from planet earth
Sun Sep 20 18:10:30 - the control panel Debbie is using seriously doesnt even have buttons on it. it's just plastic with squares cut out that boop when touched
Sun Sep 20 18:12:17 - copter dropped sumthing in the water. a pack of giant whales is heading to the sub. i know this is dramatic because the camera is shaking.
Sun Sep 20 18:14:56 - "Son of a bitch! It's a Low Frequency Active Sonar!" the scared whales are running into the ice shelf. everything is shaking really hard now
Sun Sep 20 18:15:59 - even the copter is shaking. the ice shelf is breaking? the whales are farting?
Sun Sep 20 18:17:20 - haha the copter just hit the shelf and blew up in a tiny ball of fire exactly like copters in Sim City 2000 did if you option-clicked them
Sun Sep 20 18:18:30 - bombastic dramatic music while Debbie jolts around in her seat. ice just fell. THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE ICE.
Sun Sep 20 18:19:29 - WHAT'S IN THE ICE, DEBBIE? WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS MOVIE?
Sun Sep 20 18:20:18 - now on a drilling platform in japan. dude says "everything's gunna work out I promise" THEN ENORMOUS TENTACLES RIP THE PLATFORM APART #IRONY
Sun Sep 20 18:22:03 - debbie and her co-pilot (not jesus. looks like a sadder oliver platt) are now in cali. debbie says "i thought i saw something out there"
Sun Sep 20 18:23:28 - theyre now on a beach looking at a whale carcass. they better be finna blow it up.
Sun Sep 20 18:25:11 - debbie's scientist boss, her age, is chastising her for stealing the sub and taking it for a joyride.
Sun Sep 20 18:27:02 - "Now I suggest you go home and think about what you did."
Sun Sep 20 18:27:08 - haha debbie says "let's get a drink" and it cuts to her and oliver platt on the beach drinking pints in brown bags.
Sun Sep 20 18:28:38 - this friendly cop is such a bad actor that he didn't even get the finger-to-the-mouth SHH motion right. he puffed up his cheeks real big!
Sun Sep 20 18:30:21 - government is covering up oil platform disaster. this survivor is telling friendly japanese scientist that he "looked into his eyes"
Sun Sep 20 18:35:53 - passenger plane is flying through lightning storm. scared passenger says "i'm getting married in two days" to stewardess, no reason.
Sun Sep 20 18:37:16 - haha passenger goes "HOLY SHIT" while looking out the window, cut to Mega Shark jumping 30,000 feet and biting the plane in half
Sun Sep 20 18:37:57 - http://bit.ly/Ij3A4
Sun Sep 20 18:38:04 - debbie gets fired. evil boss: "Don't love the ocean too much. It doesn't love you back."
Sun Sep 20 18:38:58 - debbie meets with old irish professor friend named Lamar Sanders, a traditional Irish name.
Sun Sep 20 18:42:37 - every scene transition in this movie is done by cutting to the same shot of seagulls flying away. every single one.
Sun Sep 20 18:43:32 - montage of debbie and prof doing science lab stuff. actually pouring dyed water from beaker to beaker.
Sun Sep 20 18:46:43 - lab results: it's a tooth! prof: "who do you think it belongs to?" debbie: "i dunno, YOU'RE the ex-navy paleontologist guru!"
Sun Sep 20 18:47:30 - haha prof thinks it belongs to a prehistoric shark "Megalodon," and google image searches it on safari.
Sun Sep 20 18:50:44 - google image result: http://bit.ly/4BdQC2 but the cool dude's been photoshopped out.
Sun Sep 20 18:51:16 - debbie: "Megalodon. Meaning 'Big Tooth.'"
Sun Sep 20 18:51:36 - someone's been reading wikipedia.
Sun Sep 20 18:51:52 - haha holy shit, i wasn't kidding, they just delivered this line: "It was the apex predator of its time...
Sun Sep 20 18:52:52 - ... and is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed." Word-for-word from the first paragraph in the Megalodon wiki entry.
Sun Sep 20 18:53:29 - hahaha another wiki line: "Fossil evidence has revealed that megalodon fed upon large marine animals" except prof adds in "by yours truly"
Sun Sep 20 18:54:29 - prof introduces debbie to friendly japanese scientist Shimoto. they just pout and unpout their lips at each other.
Sun Sep 20 18:57:23 - the camera slow-zooms on their faces back and forth as they stare into each other's eyes. their sex scene better involve some tentacles.
Sun Sep 20 18:59:01 - HAHAH the three walk and talk then get into a car with an obama HOPE sticker on the bumper.
Sun Sep 20 19:00:23 - im going to stop starting tweets with any variation of "haha," but they should still be implied for every single one.
Sun Sep 20 19:01:09 - like this one: shimoto is showing them "police identity sketches" of the octopus made by the oil platform survivor. 3rd grade shading skillz
Sun Sep 20 19:03:01 - "this is definitely not the eye of a shark" "no, more like a—" DOORBELL.
Sun Sep 20 19:03:39 - package for debbie! it's a Memorex DVD-R! no return address!
Sun Sep 20 19:05:11 - it's a video recording from the sub in the first scene! lots of unintelligble underwater cgi, shimoto: "definitely megalodon.. and a friend"
Sun Sep 20 19:07:11 - debbie: "what, giant squid?" shimoto and prof in unison: "OCTOPUS"
Sun Sep 20 19:07:31 - obligatory environmentalism shoutout: debbie thinks this happened cuz we're making the polar ice caps melt. "Maybe this is our comeuppance"
Sun Sep 20 19:11:02 - MAYBE THIS MOVIE IS OUR COMEUPPANCE
Sun Sep 20 19:11:08 - okay, this scene transition wasn't seagulls. it was cgi dolphins jumping through the water. like that guns n roses video.
Sun Sep 20 19:16:20 - http://bit.ly/ZMUCL
Sun Sep 20 19:18:05 - huge shark fin is screaming towards a naval destroyer. it's either Megalodon or a titan playing a prank.
Sun Sep 20 19:20:02 - ship's commander orders them to fire at it. it disappears off the radar. "Radio Washington: TARGET DETROYED!"
Sun Sep 20 19:21:59 - "But sir! Target... returned!"
Sun Sep 20 19:22:09 - commander (whispering): "It rises!" – is that a biblical quote? Melville? Deep Blue Sea?
Sun Sep 20 19:23:37 - mega shark reaches destroyer. music: bombastic. camera: shaking.
Sun Sep 20 19:24:48 - commander: "No." cut to shark, back to commander: "NO!" shark, commander: "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Sun Sep 20 19:25:31 - shakey camera zooms in on his face, cut to black.
Sun Sep 20 19:26:04 - navy police with m16's bust in on our 3 heroes and take them to an interrogation room. Feng Shui and Guantanamo jokes made 2 seconds apart.
Sun Sep 20 19:28:51 - evil navy dude to shimada (i thought it was shimoto): "don't worry, you're not going to manzanar" dude gives a liz lemon reaction face.
Sun Sep 20 19:32:11 - evil dude: "we're dealin with menace that none of us imagined, much less counted on" shimada: "like Hurricane Katrina." what is this scene??
Sun Sep 20 19:34:44 - evil dude to shimada: "you wanna commit a 'harry cary' or something?" double liz lemon faces from shimada and debbie!
Sun Sep 20 19:35:44 - side note: Harry Cary was the dopest sports announcer ever, with the greatest statue ever outside Wrigley Field: http://bit.ly/noTcT
Sun Sep 20 19:37:22 - evil dude implies debbie is gunna bang prof for "extra credit." prof speaks up and evil dude goes "Cool it, hombre"
Sun Sep 20 19:38:17 - okay, my rule had to be broken: HAHAH debbie: "so what do you want from us?" evil dude: "SOLUTIONS."
Sun Sep 20 19:39:16 - "If we don't find a way to stop this fucker, Sharkzilla is gunna own the seas. You own the seas, you own the world." def Deep Blue Sea quote
Sun Sep 20 19:40:42 - map showing shark attacks around the globe. dozens in the pacific but a few off newfoundland. did mega shark jump america? OR VICE VERSA??
Sun Sep 20 19:43:21 - oh wait, the octopus did the canadian shit. or something. im sorry im trying to convey this movie's logic.
Sun Sep 20 19:45:03 - case in point: our heroes are now suggesting they entrap the behemoths for study. but where?? San Fran Bay and Tokyo Bay, of course!
Sun Sep 20 19:46:40 - hip writer alert! evil dude: "how do you propose we get these things there? send them an evite??"
Sun Sep 20 19:48:01 - 2nd science montage! so many test tubes with dyed water! staring in a microscope and shaking heads! mixing dyed water and shaking heads!
Sun Sep 20 19:49:57 - debbie & shimada are bonding of their shared love of water.
Sun Sep 20 19:52:28 - shim shares childhood memory of seeing dolphin caught in net. debbie makes joke about being shitty at fishing. they laugh, then slowly kiss!
Sun Sep 20 19:53:20 - mind you, this is in the science lab.
Sun Sep 20 19:53:29 - debbie: "I'm gunna take a walk." shim's face is confused! debbie: "You know... a walk?" now he knows! exeunt.
Sun Sep 20 19:55:15 - making out in the supply closet! crossfade to post-coitus on the floor. now they're discussing how attraction is based on smell.
Sun Sep 20 19:56:37 - DEBBIE HAS AN IDEA! "Pheromones!" Shim gasps: "My god! Are you thinking—?" "We can use pheromones to draw them in!" this movie is great.
Sun Sep 20 19:58:34 - 3rd science montage! oh my god, they mix two liquids together and it turns neon green! (actually kinda cool) They look elated.
Sun Sep 20 19:59:36 - look elated = each dude kisses debbie on the cheek.
Sun Sep 20 20:00:59 - evil dude doubt the monsters will take the bait. prof: "Those guys have been frozen for millions of years. Wouldn't you be a lil horny?"
Sun Sep 20 20:02:05 - debbie makes canisters full of the neon green shit, which i guess is what monster pheromones look like. can pheromones look like anything?
Sun Sep 20 20:05:07 - the canisters are identical to those from TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze. http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/6933/ooze1.jpg
Sun Sep 20 20:05:54 - shim to debbie: "In all this darkness you were the one ray of light. If it's fated, we'll see each other again."
Sun Sep 20 20:07:48 - holy shit this movie is only half over.
Sun Sep 20 20:07:56 - evil dude orders fighter jet to fly right over the octopus to get a picture of it? everyone protests, giant tentacle reaches into sky...
Sun Sep 20 20:10:44 - jet pilot: "MAYDAY MAYDAY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" tentacle smacks jet, another tiny explosion.
Sun Sep 20 20:11:35 - now they're shooting torpedoes at it? everyone just looks the same amount of concerned throughout this whole scene.
Sun Sep 20 20:13:54 - have i mentioned how many scenes take place with debbie and others on the beach at dusk, looking into the water? right now is number 5.
Sun Sep 20 20:14:55 - debbie is waxing existential, equating what they're doing with oppenheimer building the atomic bomb.
Sun Sep 20 20:16:43 - prof is proud of debbie. she puts on cry-face.
Sun Sep 20 20:18:31 - prof and debbie are in minisub in the SF bay trying to drop the pheromone tube but the sub's arm is broken!
Sun Sep 20 20:22:07 - the megashark is approaching at 500 knots! (575 mph!) "Christ, that's faster than a fighter jet!"
Sun Sep 20 20:24:23 - evil dude (who is lorenzo lamas, btw) says screw the environmentalists! blow that fucker up!
Sun Sep 20 20:26:32 - firing commenced! no sign of the target! "Target Destroyed!" everyone cheers, but then an ensign: "Sir, I'm picking up a reading.." deja vu?
Sun Sep 20 20:28:33 - Mega shark just bit through the destroyer like he was eating a hot dog starting from the middle.
Sun Sep 20 20:30:48 - oh i forgot debbie and prof were still trying to escape in their minisub. it kind of looks like that re-entry scene in armageddon.
Sun Sep 20 20:31:47 - ensign: "the target is heading for the golden gate bridge!" evil dude gets hell of nervous. ensign: "Sir? SIR?"
Sun Sep 20 20:32:31 - oh jesus, here's the next five shots, all with uber-dramatic music: 1) Golden Gate Bridge, cars driving peacefully on it
Sun Sep 20 20:33:52 - 2) Mega Shark half-out of the water, right next to bridge, putting his mouth around it (he can easily fit the six-lane width in there)
Sun Sep 20 20:39:38 - 3) The same shot as (1), except the camera is shaking. I mean the exact same, as in Mega Shark is not there.
Sun Sep 20 20:40:42 - 4) Evil dude looking concerned.
Sun Sep 20 20:41:17 - 5) Same shot as (2)
Sun Sep 20 20:41:30 - 6) aerial shot of the bridge (cgi), Mega Shark bites right through it.
Sun Sep 20 20:42:05 - 7) Evil dude even more concerned. Keep in mind there are no monitors in the room he's in, and no one's saying anything. Telepathic vibes.
Sun Sep 20 20:43:04 - 8) close up of the ensign, also concerned.
Sun Sep 20 20:43:43 - 9) Mega Shark finishes his bite. Music turns sad.
Sun Sep 20 20:44:02 - 10) Evil dude, sits back in his chair, closing his eyes and frowning.
Sun Sep 20 20:45:02 - 11-15) shots of ensign, evil dude, and even debbie in her sub, all being sad and silent, as if they had just seen the tragedy.
Sun Sep 20 20:46:05 - sorry, i said that was the next 5 shots, i meant it was the next 5 seconds.
Sun Sep 20 20:47:00 - shim is in tokyo trying to lure the octopus, and it's only pissing it off. shim delivers the obligatory "My god, what have we done?"
Sun Sep 20 20:48:08 - evil dude wants to nuke the monsters. our heroes discuss the myriad side effects, such as poisoning the oceans, massive tidal waves, etc...
Sun Sep 20 20:51:30 - ...evil dude goes to call the pentagon. debbie: "We gotta think of a solution, fast!" shim: "I suggest we all get some rest and reconvene"..
Sun Sep 20 20:52:24 - ..."in the morning" They all nod!!
Sun Sep 20 20:53:03 - Debbie on the beach at dusk again.
Sun Sep 20 20:53:27 - whoa, psych montage! lots of flashing shots, timelapse, flashbacks of previous scenes but all warped and wobbly, tossing and turning in bed!
Sun Sep 20 20:54:21 - debbie busts into prof's room: "THRILLA IN MANILLA!"
Sun Sep 20 20:55:22 - exposition: "We'll get them to kill each other!"
Sun Sep 20 20:56:01 - Apparently they were battling when they were frozen in the arctic? They were fighting so slowly an iceberg formed around them?
Sun Sep 20 20:57:41 - apparently Mega Shark and Giant Octo hated eachother so much that when the ice age came, they would rather continue fighting than survive.
Sun Sep 20 21:00:37 - "Their hate is stronger than their survival instinct." I think evolutionary theory doesn't include nearly enough emotion.
Sun Sep 20 21:02:23 - evil dude to debbie: "score one for ms. fancy pants" she actually looks at her pants!!
Sun Sep 20 21:03:27 - the scientists' new plan is seriously to lure the monsters to the same spot and let them kill each other. "They'll cancel each other out!"
Sun Sep 20 21:06:40 - Cause that what happens when two animals fight, right? They both die?
Sun Sep 20 21:07:59 - shim quotes Caesar, prof picks it up, and debbie finishes it off. what a team!
Sun Sep 20 21:08:48 - shim and debbie are exchanging glances and pouty lips via the communication screen.
Sun Sep 20 21:09:30 - shim thinks about "that night" all the time. "Every time I go to sweep up"
Sun Sep 20 21:09:46 - shark attacks sub they're all on. torpedoes fired... torpedoes missed!!
Sun Sep 20 21:12:56 - mega shark keeps knocking into the sub, even though it could fit into his mouth like a toothpick.
Sun Sep 20 21:14:00 - HELL OF HUGE OCTOPUS JUST SHOWED UP
Sun Sep 20 21:14:11 - radar screen shows octopus over the whole map. not the shape of an octopus, actual underwater footage of an octopus. on the radar screen.
Sun Sep 20 21:15:26 - naval rescue fleet "destroyed by Octopus."
Sun Sep 20 21:16:29 - the sub captain's acting hero was most definitely chris penn.
Sun Sep 20 21:18:29 - the past 3 minutes have been quickly-intercut shots of the sub, the shark, people in the sub (shaky), and that's about it.
Sun Sep 20 21:22:46 - whoa, the ensign just pulled a gun on the captain! i think because they were going too fast?
Sun Sep 20 21:23:10 - the ensign was driving the sub (with a joystick), but now he's standing with a gun at the captain's head! "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!"
Sun Sep 20 21:25:02 - the sub runs into the ocean wall, shaking everyone inside. the captain heroically grabs the ensign's arms, and debbie DECKS him!
Sun Sep 20 21:26:35 - mega shark is about to swallow the sub like a minnow, but wait, what's this?? GIANT TENTACLES BE HOLDIN SHARKZILLA BACK
Sun Sep 20 21:28:23 - Play-by-play: Octopus wraps a bunch of his tentacles around Megashark and tries to hug him to death.
Sun Sep 20 21:29:24 - Megashark chomps right through a tentacle! Octopus lets go and runs away. Megashark gives chase.
Sun Sep 20 21:30:33 - Every time a monster glides by the screen, they play the sound of a post-production intern going "SHWHOO"
Sun Sep 20 21:32:42 - Octopus squirts an Exxon-Mobil's worth of ink in Megashark's face.
Sun Sep 20 21:33:54 - somehow the sub ends up back at the place from the first scene, where the monsters were frozen. does this need to make sense?
Sun Sep 20 21:36:47 - suddenly the whole sub shakes violently and everyone falls over. prof explains: "SOMETHING'S HIT US!!"
Sun Sep 20 21:37:25 - the very large shark has a military submarine in its mouth. the people inside the submarine are upset.
Sun Sep 20 21:39:44 - the shark lets go of the submarine. the people in the sub try to steer away. the shark comes back for it. this is not a smart shark.
Sun Sep 20 21:40:49 - our heroes get in a mini-sub and abandon ship. every one else on board just sits tight, and then gets eaten by the very large shark.
Sun Sep 20 21:42:59 - shim comes to rescue with his own sub, but then that gets grabbed by the very large octopus and thrown into the depths of the ocean.
Sun Sep 20 21:44:31 - the very large shark and the very large octopus start fighting again! yay!
Sun Sep 20 21:45:12 - fight sequence is intercut with a lot of closeups of our heroes, staring with mouths agape. occasionally evil dude will be shaking his head.
Sun Sep 20 21:45:51 - of the 20 or so shots of the monsters fighting, there are probably 4 unique shots, 3 of them from the last fight.
Sun Sep 20 21:47:05 - Mega Shark just bit off another tentacle!
Sun Sep 20 21:47:16 - Octopus is now hugging Mega Shark again, but the action music has turned to somber music, and they slowly sink to the ocean floor. death?
Sun Sep 20 21:49:04 - "Looks like they finally finished what they started, 18 million years ago."
Sun Sep 20 21:49:27 - shim returns on screen! his face is covered in scratches and dirt, he's been in a terrible submarine wreck.
Sun Sep 20 21:50:11 - shim and debbie are now the beach at dusk, together.
Sun Sep 20 21:50:36 - shim says he wants to move in debbie. she says "You know I'm not a stay-at-home kind of gal. I'm a mermaid."
Sun Sep 20 21:51:12 - prof shows up, with some pictures of some more prehistoric shit in the north sea! Our heroes run off, another adventure ahead!!!
Sun Sep 20 21:53:33 - finally, Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, eternally entangled, fall into the blackness that is the ocean deep.
Sun Sep 20 21:54:28 - Roll credits.
Sun Sep 20 21:54:35 - In conclusion, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus left me slightly hungry and curious about Debbie Gibson's life choices. 4 out 5 stars.
Sun Sep 20 21:58:21
3 comments:
I hate you for live tweeting, but I love you for showing me that. I would watch the shit outta that movie.
Thanks for making my night.
Got any birth videos?
this is a big, big deal. going to investigate further.
This is an odd movie which I would like to see someday!
First of all, I gotta get my viagra online , which I use in order to treat my erectile dysfunction
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