i just got a two dollar bill as change from a gas station (only in new orleans?) and i noticed something:
so i guess there's a new "airquotes" trend that is sweeping up the young internet surfers and boogie boarders: typing shit into Google Translate (or your internet translator of choice) and converting it through several languages then back into English (or your first language of choice), much like that game "Telephone," which Wikipedia ironically calls Chinese Whispers.
I've been recently alerted to this by many friends, and that somewhat alerts me. did not everybody do this way back in the early days of the innaweb? i dont wanna sound like i'm sayin i started the trend or nothin, i just remember being in middle school and going to altavista and bouncing the phrase "Barry Schatz Sucks Rusty Wieners" through a bunch of languages until something like "Black Barstool Fingering Hamburger Koala Cock" came out. Of course, we called it Transturbation, which isn't really a good pun name, but it stuck, because we were in middle school.
and even though I wanna call Old Hat on this shit, I still think it's pretty funny, so I took a new stab at it with a story written by me and the wonderifulous necrolander David MacNutt, called Disgusting Dog Island, which is already one of the most non-sensical and unintelligible pieces of drivel put to e-paper. first I transturbated it through five funny languages and it's now called Total Inujima (which I guess is a place in Japan whose name is written with the kanji for Dog and Island [go fig]), but then I went for the gold (pun intended for Dave and Andrew only) and transturbated it through every single language that Google has to offer, in alphabetical order, now called Kennel Barley Island (way worse name).
Needless to say, the story reads just about the same.
Oh shit, I just remembered that we had to have internet pen pals at some point in middle school, and I convinced this kid in Belgium (who spoke perfect English) that I was from the Ukraine by writing only heavily transturbated emails. Sorry Dirk.
I can't wait for open mic nights to be flooded with poets simply reading printouts of their latest livejournal entries transturbated a couple times. i literally cannot wait.
Hey guys, whassuper? I've been having a great time! The east was really fun. I like people there a bushel and a peck. But it was busy, and I didn't have much time to spend on yotub. But now I do. And I kinda came across a bunch of things I like a lot. Can you find the psycho-narrative golden thread? Or should I say, golden threat?
Had a dream that Jim Belushi on According to Jim asked his brother-in-law to jerk off in a cup, and Jim threatened to quote-unquote "take it" from his bro-in-law if he didn't comply. Then his bro agreed only if Jim ran around the neighborhood in drag, as recompense. Then I woke up on the couch and realized I'd heard the episode exactly correctly. Weird, right?
'In 1982 he signed a legal affidavit declaring that a Martian had taken residence in his body, and gradually disappeared from music as the decade wore on."
Awesome.
Just had a dream that GG homie Chris had assembled a supergroup to perform in a scenic park. Members of several bands had come together to form a supergroup a la Spanish Broads. I was playing "timpani" which was actually a steel drum I played exactly like a normal drum kit and the sound resembled an electronic drum kit. This part was AWESOME. I was playing next to a composite East Asian man who was a combination of two people I've known in the past. Three songs in, the East Asian man's guitar broke and Chris frustratedly asked him what happened. They tried to swap out guitars but the new one didn't work. Shortly afterwards Chris ran into the woods that were behind us in the park and hundreds of members of the crowd and the band followed him. He literally turned into Pan (the mythical half-goat creature, not this man from Suckers) and started leading everybody in a song I cannot remember.
speaking of transcendent, here is an actual video of Henry Kissinger doing the weather on some morning schlock show on CBS. Unequivocally bizarre.
In a recent issue of its newsletter, L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican, not unlike countless entertainment organizations before it, released its "Top 10 Albums of All Time" list. More shocking than what made the list, perhaps, is what was omitted. Where is the Benedictine Monks' classic "Chant", or good ol' what's-her-name's album with that song "One of Us?" (I can't restrain myself from commenting that, if God really were one of us, he'd give Joan Osborne a copy of Strunk and White).
But seriously, folks, this is the motherfucking Vatican we're talking about, and what they say is holy decree for a lot of folks. So let's take a look-see at what the world's smallest country with the world's biggest dick thinks are the best tunes in history...
#10 Carlos Santans - Supernatural
LAME! Listen, Santana had his time and place, and it was 1970 in a bong smoke-filled Persian pillow lounge. But it's been a while since then, and now Santana apparently has terrible taste in music. 'Member the single from this album? The one with Rob Thomas singing about, "...my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa"? Just terrible.
#9 Oasis - (What's the Story) Morning Glory?
BULLSHITE! Back in the mid 90s I kinda fell for it all. I lamented Kurt's death, I held on to Pearl Jam as tight as I could, and I cringed as Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Pavement, NIN, and whatever Perry Farrell was doing kind of fell apart at the seams or got boring. Dark times for us all. But I never bought into Oasis because, I mean, fuck Oasis. Feuding, egocentric brothers making played-out, overblown Brit pop? I can't believe this album made the list and Richard D. James Album and Odelay, released at about the same time, didn't. Pope ain't got no freaky groove. Tyler Perry should write a terrible movie about it.
#8 U2 - Achtung Baby
NOPE! I like "New Year's Day", but aside from that, I think U2 has amounted to a dumpster full of turd. They seem to have made quite a name for themselves, and I'm told that Bono is very active in politics, so perhaps they deserve a begrudged footnote of semi-significance. But are they truly worthy of the Pope's official finger-wiggle of approval? Eff no!
#7 Paul Simon - Graceland
FUCK YEAH! This proves that there's at least one chill bishop on the Pope's "appropriate music finding" committee. From "I Know What I Know" to "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" to "You Can Call Me Al" to "The Boy in the Bubble", and featuring throughout the indispensable vocals of Ladysmith Black Mambazo, this album was the best soundtrack to 1985-1990 that a boy could hope for. A+, Vatican.
#6 Michael Jackson - Thriller
Really, Vatican? Didn't any of your guys see the "Thriller" video? Do you guys even get MTV there? Or the internet? Well Michael Jackson ain't the most Bible-abiding figurehead you could have chosen. It's called homework, guys.
#5 Donald Fagen - The Nightfly
Never heard of him, so I looked him up. Used to be in Steely Dan. Eh. I watched a video on Youtube, and it astonished me that the Vatican would endorse an artist whose videos display such drunkenness and promiscuity.
Could this whole list be the handiwork of a wayward intern at the Vatican, overworked, underpaid, and weak of faith? It would certainly seem so. And the best is yet to come.
#4 Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
I can't for the life of me figure out why the Vatican would have picked this gem of youthful rebellion, but they did. And I give them an A+++! Ponder this lyrical nugget: "Won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?" Uh, I dunno, Stevie Nicks, because I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Cocaine? Are you talking about cocaine? Whatever, hippie. But the songs really are quite pretty, so I give it an enthusiastic thumbs up.
#3 Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
Are you fucking kidding me?!? The Vatican chose Dark Side to be number three on its top ten? Aside from being the most overrated band in history, Pink Floyd stood to many as the antithesis of the Catholic Church. If they'd picked a Syd Barrett album I'd be whistling a different tune, cause at least he knew how to cram some unhinged, ramshackle spirituality into his jams. But Pink Floyd was soaking in bathtubs full of LSD and ego splooge when they made this shit. It's really, really bizarre that this album made the Vatican's top 3. If they were trying to perhaps improve their image by selecting a seemingly rebellious and psychedelic album, they could have aimed much higher. Even within Pink Floyd's tepid catalogue there exist better, and more spiritual, albums (see: Wall, The). I'm guessing some under-cleric chose this album based on the cover art alone.
#2 David Crosby - If I Could Only Remember My Name
I'm glad to see good old "Crack Pipe" Crosby showed up on this list. Nothing says "I support the Vatican's values" more than the exact opposite of everything about David Crosby. Drug addiction, weapons charges, abandoned children. The only role I could picture David Crosby playing in any sort of Catholic pedagogy is if he were to appear as the comedic, faithless "Goofus" in amusing contrast to a pious, upstanding "Gallant". He impregnated Melissa Etheridge's girlfriend twice, on purpose. It was on the cover of Rolling Stone, which made a lot of people (me) incredibly uncomfortable and unhorny. But whatever, because the Vatican's number one fucking album of all time is...
#1 The Beatles - Revolver
AND WE HAVE A WINNER! There's not a single disparaging thing I can bring myself to say about this record. "Tomorrow Never Knows", "Eleanor Rigby", "Love You To", "She Said She Said". Masterpieces, all. But, once again, we must ponder whether the Vatican knew exactly what it was doing when it endorsed Revolver as "the greatest album of all time". It is on this very album that John Lennon tells us to "make love all day long", and paints the picture of a lonely old church lady and the dottering Father McKenzie who prays for her fruitlessly. Not the most pro-Catholic jingle out there. This album also served as in undeniable milestone in the integration of New Left ideals into mainstream American culture. Albums like this and their cultural impact, it could be argued, have damaged the power of the Vatican just as much as certain rival religious organizations, or even a string of scandals.
In conclusion, this list is very real and is fucked up. I'm bewildered, and have nothing more to offer than that. Thoughts?
And then you click on it and "instead" it's just some totally actually interesting footage of people working in a Nintendo factory, putting Wiis into boxes, living lives as humans. Wait... is the joke that the automated machines in the second-half are sexy? Sexier than the peoples? Nerds are weird.
All right, back to searching for "real" Zelda porn cause sometimes I gets down like that.
do you know my friend Ben EC? his dick once got me kicked off facebook. he's also a scientist. and it was his science brain that found this very real scientific report:
"The patient was a 15-year-old girl employed in a local bar."The story goes she got in a knife fight with her ex-dude and her new-dude and went to the hospital with a hole in her abdomen. The docs patched her up, but she came back 9 months later with a bun about to pop out of the oven. But when they went downtown to help get the baby out, they found she literally had no 'giner, there was "only a shallow skin dimple." So they cut the kid out, but were like, "wait what the fuck." [citation needed]
"The patient was well aware of the fact that she had no vagina and she had started oral experiments after disappointing attempts at conventional intercourse."In any case, stabs were exchanged. She got it right in the middle, piercing some holes right in the stomach, and thus giving those recently ingested spermies a chance to make a break for their animalistic mecca, the uterus. The report isn't exactly sure how they got there alive (hey doc, ever heard of THE BIBLE?), but further corroboration of the theory goes to the fact that the son at age 2 looked exactly like the lucky father.
"The young mother, her family, and the likely father adapted themselves rapidly to the new situation and some cattle changed hands to prove there were no hard feelings."
I had a dream that was pretty boring but I remember one section in great detail. I was sitting at a large table with many strangers who I had just met, about to celebrate someone's birthday. Despite not having had the proper number and type of mysterious tickets needed to order a drink, I received a cola, and I didn't speak up to right this wrong, because I was thirsty. The label had beautiful graphic design with bubble letters spelling COLA, in bright happy shades of blue, red, and orange. After the commotion had died down from the cake eating, I was sitting with a dude with a dressy vest on, over some plain shirt, whatever. And his friend, who was a baldy, blustery blondie, perhaps you know the type. His friend made a jokey disparaging remark about said vest and I seized my opening in the lull following his remark to make a "perfectly timed" (I thought to myself) joke: "Yeah, is there an echo here, or did we timewarp to 2010 and you decided that shit was BACK?" The friend laughed uproariously. I had the uncomfortable sense that this dude wasn't really sure what he was laughing at, or he was humoring me to get in my pants, or he was just dumb, because I knew the joke hadn't made sense or been funny.
Several things here. I am surprised at how clearly I remember that line and the incredibly specific feelings of discomfort afterward. The "joke" had a cadence that is eerily similar to how I say things sometimes, I think. Also- the attention to graphic design, which seems like something I might get happy about in a real life version of this situation. So, am I a caricature of myself in this dream? Am I making fun of myself in my dreams? Trying on personalities? If the dream version of yourself is socially awkward and hyper-aware like in real life can that still be a symbol for something else? Which of these scenarios would be preferable? I don't know!
"Go Pats!"
"Oh, isn't that beautiful? All the lowlifes in quiet city Boston start dropping dead and *you* think it's unrelated! Greenly, the day I want the Boston Police to do my thinking for me, I will have a fucking tag on my toe!"
- Boondock Saints
"The truth is you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed."
- Eminem
"Up the motherfuckin' punx!"
"Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit."
- Guy Debord
"This machine kills fascists"
- Woody Guthrie
"Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."
- Slater from Dazed and Confused
"You don't love me. You just love my doggy style."
- Snoop Dogg
"San Diemos High School football rules!"
- Bill and Ted
"It ain't no joke I'd like to buy the world a toke and teach the world to sing in perfect harmony"
- Smash Mouth
"Every day when you're brushing your teeth you have to look yourself right in the eyes and think, what kind of man am I going to be today?"
- Grandpa Sal, R.I.P
"I won't quit skating until I am physically unable."
- Tony Hawk
"Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes."
- Tori Amos
"I swear to God this has got to be a joke."
- Sixteen Candles
"I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need. I wished to come here and say that I am a (wo)man who does not exist for others."
- Howard Roark
"You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts."
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"I wish it was the sixties, I wish I could be happy, I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen."
- Radiohead
"...the point of public relations slogans like "Support Our Troops" is that they don't mean anything [...] that's the whole point of good propaganda. You want to create a slogan that nobody is gonna be against and I suppose everybody will be for, because nobody knows what it means, because it doesn't mean anything. But its crucial value is that it diverts your attention from a question that does mean something, do you support our policy? And that's the one you're not allowed to talk about."
- Noam Chomsky
"I get satisfaction of three kinds. One is creating something, one is being paid for it, and one is the feeling that I haven't just been sitting on my ass all afternoon."
- William F. Buckley, Jr.
"Pardon me while I burst into flames, I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. Pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same."
- Incubus
"I just wanted to say that I'm a nerd, and I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it."
- Revenge of the Nerds (best movie ever!)
"It is the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's teepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health."
- Daniel Quinn
"When are you going to learn that you can't trust anybody, not even yourself?"
- The Wild Bunch
Voted: "Most Likely to Secede." (thanks a lot, pranksters from the History Club!)
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
- US Marine Corps
"Bitches, I like 'em brainless. Guns, I like them stainless."
- Notorious BIG
"I never fucked anybody over in my life didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don't, then you make a move."
- Scarface
"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
- Steve Jobs
"May you live in interesting times."
- Ancient Chinese Proverb
"All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."
- Friedrich Nietzche
Once again I have invaded the dreamscape of one of my friends like Freddy Krueger, this time my good buddy Anthony. He contacted me via gchat this morning:
Anthony: are you alive i hope?
in my dream last night you were in a motorcycle accident
Anthony: during part of a parade
obama was driving the motorcycle with you and three others
were drunk, dangerously clinging to the back
you fell off and your spleen fell out
Anthony: seemingly you were able to communicate from beyond death,
since gmail, facebook, etc. technologies had massed enough
of your personal data and language
Anthony: there was a youtube video of the fall
me: so this in fact might be the e-spectre of bob talking to you
Anthony: it was exactly like this..
i think victor vazquez may have also been involved somehow
it wasn't clear if he was logged in to your gmail
Anthony: so I'm either talking to victor right now, or e-spectre
Anthony: is that distinction even meaningful?
Of course, Anthony just confirmed what doctors (esp. Ray Kurzweil) have been telling me for years – that my body is more internet than man right now, and if I die, I could ostensibly live forever, as long as Victor keeps me logged in to shit.
This post just added 17 minutes onto my life.
Watch til the end watch til the end!!!!!
I'm never riding the Long Island Railroad again because, "you may think you know when a train is coming, but don't count on it!"
This new Kool Keith is breaking my whole mind up. 2 Scoops. So lovely. (I am right now writing a video treatment for it because sometimes you got 2 beli3ve in y4ur5elf.) (PS my own lady girl showed me this cool thing cause she's even pretty cool too (just like me).)
