Note to Self:

Stop drinking too much and accusing bartenders all across Manhattan of being racist. Also, don't grab strangers of the caucasian persuasion by their shoulders and yell "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND THIS GUY?" to the bartenders you accuse of being racist.

Also, reevaluate your stance on the bacon in bacon cheeseburgers. As someone recently pointed out, it seems like a good idea - always - but it doesn't really bring much to the table. What does bring a lot to the table? Caramelized onions. Caramelized onions bring a lot to the table.