I'm just going to keep writing stuff until you fuckers jump in and stop me. So here goes...
In modern mixology, there are only a few types of commonly used glasses. The Colling glass, named after the retro-cocktail the Tom Collins, is the tallish, normal-sized glass you'd get something like a gin & tonic or a Jack & Coke in. Most highballs are served in a Collins glass.
Then there's the Old Fashioned glass. This is the shorter and wider version of the Collins glass. If you order something like a screwdriver or a rusty nail, it'll probably come in one one of these stocky glasses. Most lowballs are served in an Old Fashioned Glass.
And then there are of course all sorts of specialty glasses such as brandy snifters, champagne flutes, shot glasses, and small rocks glasses for top-shelf liquors. But one of the most commonly used and, in my opinion, poorly designed glasses is the cocktail glass, also known as the martini glass.
This ubiquitous glass was designed expressly to do two things: get people wasted and ensure that they spill their drinks all over the place. I mean, if you get a martini, which is basically 3 shots of gin or vodka in a glass, you're trying to go from zero to sixty in 20 minutes or less. Add to this the top-heavy design of the glass, accompanied by the slim stem and narrow base, and you have disaster lurking in the shadows!
"Build a better mousetrap...", they say. So, people with design sensibilities, make us a better martini glass quick. These old ones are doing nothing but causing tipsy cougars to drench their paisley blouses. Bad scene.
A'ight, homies. I see how it is. I guess GG has become uncool and I'm the last to find out. But whatever, cause I still got shit to write about. And here's some of that shit...
So occult themes have been a major part of music since time immemorial. And certain contemporary musical genres put heavy emphasis on the subject (I'm thinking Black Metal bands and wimpy but rad gothy groups like the Cocteau Twins and the Cure, and Morrisey was way occulty. Also, think of folks like Skip James and Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Ozzy and Alice Cooper. All super into the devil). But there are three individuals in rock history who stand out as true students of the occult, in both a personal and academic sense.
Reg Presley - Lead Singer of the Troggs
His weird fascination - Crop Circles and Monatomic Gold (Alchemical White Gold)
Here is what Reg Presley looks like when he's rocking hard:
And here's where you click for a PDF of Reg Presley's free ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK on his inquiries into monatomic gold. It's an entertaining read. Reg's grammar is a tad lacking, and I'm not sold on the powers of white gold (if the substance even exists), but his enthusiasm makes up for it. And its just nice to see that someone out there is using their rockstar fortune to fund a pursuit into a super-specific and weird but also pretty fascinating endeavor. Reg Presley, you are cool.
Ed Sanders - 1/2 of the creative force behind the Fugs
Odd Fascination - The Tate-LaBianca Murders (The Manson Family Helter Skelter Shitshow)
I fucking love the Fugs. Look at how great they are:
Spoiler Alert: at minute 2:00 some shirtless shit goes down hard.
Jimmy Page - Fucking Guitar Ninja of Led Zeppelin, a totally epic dude
Nutso About - Motherfucking Aleister Crowley!
First check out Page fucking SLAY Dazed and Confused back in '69
Make sure to stay tuned for the gnar-as-shit fiddle-bow-on-the-old-axe solo at minute 3:00ish. Then, at 4:40ish, the true shredding commences. And how fucking cool are Bonham and Plant!? And then there's good old Jonsey, the shy yet brilliant lad in the shadows. Can't we all relate to John Paul Jones just a little bit?
But, when not melting faces with his lightening fingers, Jimmy Page was WAYYYYYY into Victorian-era occult mega-star/perveroo Aleister Crowley. Here's his wiki. If you don't know about his shenanigans, I recommend that you read it. He was a real one-of-a-kind kinda guy, and very influential in early 20th Century western occultism (L. Ron Hubbard was a HUGE fan, btw). So not only does Jimmy Page buy Crowley's cloak at auction and start wearing it while recreating Crowley's Satanic sex rituals, hebuys the guy's mansion!
Boleskine House, an 18th Century estate on the shore of Scotland's Lock Ness, was purchased by Crowley in 1899, at the height of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. Look at this silly picture of Crowley:
So Page buys this dead sex-magician's dilapidated house, fixes it up, and Zeppelin spend a bunch of time there recording tunes, doing drugs, and effing babes. Good call, Jimmy Page.
This year, my mother and I decided to host a Passover Seder. Unfortunately, none of my friends wanted to come.
4:28 PM – Upon mother’s request, I tidied up the house by hiding all unseemly items (Third Reich flatware, radical Palestinian literature, etc.) in the garage before the massive influx of judgmental Jewish retirees begins. Should I start drinking yet? Probably. Will I? No. One must learn the fine art of pacing. And of not blacking out in front of aforementioned retirees.
Fig. 1 - A rare image of North American Jews in their natural habitat. Note the presence of spectacles and red wine.
6:45 PM – Went for a burn cruise under the guise of “returning some video tapes”. Fortunately for my plan’s success, none of the other Jews were hip to the American Psycho reference. I smoked some hash, the unleavened form of marijuana. This seemed appropriate, since it was all Moses and his band of wanderers had to take bong rips of during their 40-year desert adventure.
7:19 – Seder in progress. Being the youngest person at the table by a margin of no less than 30 years, I had to read all Four Questions. Thing is, in the Haggadas we used, they weren’t phrased as questions, but rather as statements. So I had to amend each with a Seinfeldesque, “What’s the deal?”. BAM! Turned it into a question! So glad I got stoned.
7:37 PM – A vicious argument over what qualifies as a “macaroon” just erupted. I left the table without excuse.
7:51 PM – The lady with short, grey hair has some sort of hearing-aid device implanted DIRECTLY INTO HER SKULL! It is somehow complimented by a super Star Trek-looking ear piece. Baller. Except she can’t hear worth shit.
8:07 PM – The retirees have begun prying into my personal life. No good can come of this. I just chased two Klonopins with a swig of gin. That ought to shut them up (or at least make me misinterpret their verbal judgments as enchanting psychedelic folk jingles).
8:23 PM – Just had a rousing, 12-minute conversation with a Matzo ball. Nice guy. He said his name was Christian, which I found odd.
8:40 – The women are arguing over who saw Joan Baez live in concert the earliest. Right now the winner is Ellen, with 1963. I am currently overhearing two separate conversations about Bob Dylan……..
8:43 – Now there are two conversations about Judy Collins! They both evolved independently. I feel as though I’m watching the origin of land-borne life itself. Except everyone keeps saying really embarrassing things.
Has anyone yet to discover the amazing video chat phenomenon known as Chatroulette? A 17-year-old Russian lad created the site just three months ago, and it has since changed my life. Since early childhood I dreamed of a game in which random strangers were paired up with one another. In my daydream these brief encounters took place in an elevator. But on this fantastical website, you and a rando are placed face to face, glimpsing into each other's lives through the tubes of the internet. Here is a brief video outlining some of the interesting things I have encountered while spinning the unpredictable wheel of Chatroulette.
'In 1982 he signed a legal affidavit declaring that a Martian had taken residence in his body, and gradually disappeared from music as the decade wore on."
In a recent issue of its newsletter, L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican, not unlike countless entertainment organizations before it, released its "Top 10 Albums of All Time" list. More shocking than what made the list, perhaps, is what was omitted. Where is the Benedictine Monks' classic "Chant", or good ol' what's-her-name's album with that song "One of Us?" (I can't restrain myself from commenting that, if God really were one of us, he'd give Joan Osborne a copy of Strunk and White).
But seriously, folks, this is the motherfucking Vatican we're talking about, and what they say is holy decree for a lot of folks. So let's take a look-see at what the world's smallest country with the world's biggest dick thinks are the best tunes in history...
#10 Carlos Santans - Supernatural
LAME! Listen, Santana had his time and place, and it was 1970 in a bong smoke-filled Persian pillow lounge. But it's been a while since then, and now Santana apparently has terrible taste in music. 'Member the single from this album? The one with Rob Thomas singing about, "...my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa"? Just terrible.
#9 Oasis - (What's the Story) Morning Glory?
BULLSHITE! Back in the mid 90s I kinda fell for it all. I lamented Kurt's death, I held on to Pearl Jam as tight as I could, and I cringed as Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Pavement, NIN, and whatever Perry Farrell was doing kind of fell apart at the seams or got boring. Dark times for us all. But I never bought into Oasis because, I mean, fuck Oasis. Feuding, egocentric brothers making played-out, overblown Brit pop? I can't believe this album made the list and Richard D. James Album and Odelay, released at about the same time, didn't. Pope ain't got no freaky groove. Tyler Perry should write a terrible movie about it.
#8 U2 - Achtung Baby
NOPE! I like "New Year's Day", but aside from that, I think U2 has amounted to a dumpster full of turd. They seem to have made quite a name for themselves, and I'm told that Bono is very active in politics, so perhaps they deserve a begrudged footnote of semi-significance. But are they truly worthy of the Pope's official finger-wiggle of approval? Eff no!
#7 Paul Simon - Graceland
FUCK YEAH! This proves that there's at least one chill bishop on the Pope's "appropriate music finding" committee. From "I Know What I Know" to "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" to "You Can Call Me Al" to "The Boy in the Bubble", and featuring throughout the indispensable vocals of Ladysmith Black Mambazo, this album was the best soundtrack to 1985-1990 that a boy could hope for. A+, Vatican.
#6 Michael Jackson - Thriller
Really, Vatican? Didn't any of your guys see the "Thriller" video? Do you guys even get MTV there? Or the internet? Well Michael Jackson ain't the most Bible-abiding figurehead you could have chosen. It's called homework, guys.
#5 Donald Fagen - The Nightfly
Never heard of him, so I looked him up. Used to be in Steely Dan. Eh. I watched a video on Youtube, and it astonished me that the Vatican would endorse an artist whose videos display such drunkenness and promiscuity.
Could this whole list be the handiwork of a wayward intern at the Vatican, overworked, underpaid, and weak of faith? It would certainly seem so. And the best is yet to come.
#4 Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
I can't for the life of me figure out why the Vatican would have picked this gem of youthful rebellion, but they did. And I give them an A+++! Ponder this lyrical nugget: "Won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?" Uh, I dunno, Stevie Nicks, because I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Cocaine? Are you talking about cocaine? Whatever, hippie. But the songs really are quite pretty, so I give it an enthusiastic thumbs up.
#3 Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
Are you fucking kidding me?!? The Vatican chose Dark Side to be number three on its top ten? Aside from being the most overrated band in history, Pink Floyd stood to many as the antithesis of the Catholic Church. If they'd picked a Syd Barrett album I'd be whistling a different tune, cause at least he knew how to cram some unhinged, ramshackle spirituality into his jams. But Pink Floyd was soaking in bathtubs full of LSD and ego splooge when they made this shit. It's really, really bizarre that this album made the Vatican's top 3. If they were trying to perhaps improve their image by selecting a seemingly rebellious and psychedelic album, they could have aimed much higher. Even within Pink Floyd's tepid catalogue there exist better, and more spiritual, albums (see: Wall, The). I'm guessing some under-cleric chose this album based on the cover art alone.
#2 David Crosby - If I Could Only Remember My Name
I'm glad to see good old "Crack Pipe" Crosby showed up on this list. Nothing says "I support the Vatican's values" more than the exact opposite of everything about David Crosby. Drug addiction, weapons charges, abandoned children. The only role I could picture David Crosby playing in any sort of Catholic pedagogy is if he were to appear as the comedic, faithless "Goofus" in amusing contrast to a pious, upstanding "Gallant". He impregnated Melissa Etheridge's girlfriend twice, on purpose. It was on the cover of Rolling Stone, which made a lot of people (me) incredibly uncomfortable and unhorny. But whatever, because the Vatican's number one fucking album of all time is...
#1 The Beatles - Revolver
AND WE HAVE A WINNER! There's not a single disparaging thing I can bring myself to say about this record. "Tomorrow Never Knows", "Eleanor Rigby", "Love You To", "She Said She Said". Masterpieces, all. But, once again, we must ponder whether the Vatican knew exactly what it was doing when it endorsed Revolver as "the greatest album of all time". It is on this very album that John Lennon tells us to "make love all day long", and paints the picture of a lonely old church lady and the dottering Father McKenzie who prays for her fruitlessly. Not the most pro-Catholic jingle out there. This album also served as in undeniable milestone in the integration of New Left ideals into mainstream American culture. Albums like this and their cultural impact, it could be argued, have damaged the power of the Vatican just as much as certain rival religious organizations, or even a string of scandals.
In conclusion, this list is very real and is fucked up. I'm bewildered, and have nothing more to offer than that. Thoughts?
"Go Pats!" "Oh, isn't that beautiful? All the lowlifes in quiet city Boston start dropping dead and *you* think it's unrelated! Greenly, the day I want the Boston Police to do my thinking for me, I will have a fucking tag on my toe!" - Boondock Saints "The truth is you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed." - Eminem
"Up the motherfuckin' punx!" "Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit." - Guy Debord "This machine kills fascists" - Woody Guthrie
"Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man." - Slater from Dazed and Confused "You don't love me. You just love my doggy style." - Snoop Dogg "San Diemos High School football rules!" - Bill and Ted
"It ain't no joke I'd like to buy the world a toke and teach the world to sing in perfect harmony" - Smash Mouth "Every day when you're brushing your teeth you have to look yourself right in the eyes and think, what kind of man am I going to be today?" - Grandpa Sal, R.I.P "I won't quit skating until I am physically unable." - Tony Hawk
"Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." - Tori Amos "I swear to God this has got to be a joke." - Sixteen Candles "I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need. I wished to come here and say that I am a (wo)man who does not exist for others." - Howard Roark
"You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts." - Monty Python and the Holy Grail "I wish it was the sixties, I wish I could be happy, I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen." - Radiohead "...the point of public relations slogans like "Support Our Troops" is that they don't mean anything [...] that's the whole point of good propaganda. You want to create a slogan that nobody is gonna be against and I suppose everybody will be for, because nobody knows what it means, because it doesn't mean anything. But its crucial value is that it diverts your attention from a question that does mean something, do you support our policy? And that's the one you're not allowed to talk about." - Noam Chomsky
"I get satisfaction of three kinds. One is creating something, one is being paid for it, and one is the feeling that I haven't just been sitting on my ass all afternoon." - William F. Buckley, Jr. "Pardon me while I burst into flames, I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. Pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same." - Incubus "I just wanted to say that I'm a nerd, and I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it." - Revenge of the Nerds (best movie ever!)
"It is the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's teepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health." - Daniel Quinn "When are you going to learn that you can't trust anybody, not even yourself?" - The Wild Bunch Voted: "Most Likely to Secede." (thanks a lot, pranksters from the History Club!)
"Pain is weakness leaving the body." - US Marine Corps "Bitches, I like 'em brainless. Guns, I like them stainless." - Notorious BIG "I never fucked anybody over in my life didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don't, then you make a move." - Scarface
"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected." - Steve Jobs "May you live in interesting times." - Ancient Chinese Proverb "All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth." - Friedrich Nietzche
There's this trend, I've noticed, among successful male songwriters who pen tunes about foolish, pathetic women. These songs share multiple things in common: they express disdain rather than sympathy for the woman, they perhaps suggest past romantic encounters that are retrospectively viewed as regretful, and they imply that the singer has no fond feelings for the woman any longer. This type of song, which pops up over and over again, is clearly a shared expression of some relatively specific feeling that famous musician guys get. They find themselves surrounded by starfucking babes and, well, some of them are lame enough to write songs about. It should be made clear that these are not torch songs, and leave little room for the possibility of the women in questions finding redemption. They just talk about why the ladies suck.
Here are some prime examples:
Beck - Nightmare Hippie Girl
Most cutting line: "It's a New Age let down in my face / She's so spaced out and there ain't no space".
Led Zeppelin - Livin Lovin Maid
Most cutting line - "Alimony alimony paying your bills / When your conscience hits you knock it back with pills."
Rolling Stones - Stupid Girl
Most cutting line - "The way she powders her nose, her vanity shows and it shows / She's the worst thing in this world."
Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion
Most cutting line - "Talkin' about things that nobody cares / You're wearin' out things that nobody wears."
Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind
Most cutting line - "You're an idiot, babe / It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."
The Attack - Created By Clive
Most cutting line - "I've got feelings and I need love / Like you need a mirror and a powder puff."
Most cutting line - "Now Julie, there ain't nothin' on my mind more further away than what you're looking for."
The Zombies - She's Not There
Most cutting line - "It's too late to say you're sorry / How would I know, why should I care? / Please don't bother trying to find her / She's not there."
The Troggs - Evil Woman
Most cutting line - "You ain't got no feelin' / Just your dirty dealin'."
This clip shows the male Greater Sage-Grouse, a bird native to North America, making a display in an attempt to attract mates. This species of game bird is noted for its bizarre sexual dimorphism, and the male's mating ritual is a prime example of this. The act involves him puffing up sacks on his chest and making a warbling sound. He looks like an asshole.
But don't worry. Scientists are on the case. They have created a robot grouse babe to film these ponces and their moob dance in order to, one can only assume, later embarrass or bribe the male grouses (grice?). Here is a glimpse of the mechanical grouse impostor/hussy, along with some of the footage she captured. Check out the super realistic looking robo-grouse head moving action around minute 1:20:
This looks like the intro to the best snuff film ever!
Remember when pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III crash landed a US Airways flight into the Hudson River back in January? Well his boner certainly remembers, because that's the day when he and his wife started banging like jack hammers.
This is what Sully and his wife look like. They have way better sex than you do.
In a recent interview with Matt Lauer, Sully and his wife bragged about how being a national hero makes lie-down hugs much more fun.
I once backed my mom's Jetta into a dude in a crosswalk. I should at least get an HJ.
I was recently informed about the latest installation piece by artist Richard Winehouse. Entitled "Rape Tunnel", it takes the form of a long, darkened passageway constructed of wooden beams. This is what the Rape Tunnel looks like:
In keeping with the piece's title, Winehouse claims, in his artist's statement, that he will rape anyone who walks through it. This project comes in the wake of his previous piece, the "PUNCH-YOU-IN-THE-FACE TUNNEL", which resulted in a lawsuit when he broke a model's nose. Do you think I'm leading you on? How dare you!?! I outta rape-punch you for doubting my sincerity! Here's an article that lends legitimacy to my claims. Now, part of me respects Mr. Winehouse for pushing the boundaries of what is considered "art" in a climate in which it seems as though every boundary has already been pushed, ever avenue trodden down countless times. But another part of me concludes that he a rapist. So here are some less severe suggestions I have for Mr. Winehouse as he conceptualizes future artistic undertakings:
1) Owl Turds Tunnel: Same basic idea, except there's owl shit EVERYWHERE. You can finger the owls, but only if they consent.
2) Grape Tunnel: Fun for the whole family! White attire is not recommended.
3) Rape-Whistle Tunnel: An exuberant lesbian teaches art enthusiasts about rape prevention. Day-glo orange rape whistles are included in the entry fee.
4) Ape Tunnel: Ape boners fuckin' EVERYWHERE! Wear your rain poncho, cause shit gonna get CRAY ZEE!
5) Crepe Tunnel: Come hungry, leave raped! (Title may be construed as misleading)
6) Cape Funnel: Dracula is here to PAR-TAY!
7) Rape Mirror: Can people rape themselves? Only one way to find out! And that way is to cut a small hole into the mirror. And on the other side of that hole: party Dracula from idea 6!
So, am I sitting on the cutting fucking edge of artistic vision or what? While Mr. Winehouse is crouching in his tunnel, greasing up his wiener and hoping a fat dude doesn't walk in, I remain here, in the realm of the anonymous internet, greasing up my wiener and hoping that True Blood is on. Have a Rape-Tunnel-worthy day!
Remember Jesus? You won't BELIEVE what he's up to these days!
Have you even wondered what the best website on the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET is? Well wonder no longer, my misguided amigo, because I have located it for you. I'm not going to waste your time. Here's the site in question right here --> Jesus - With You Always. The artwork on this website is created by a gentleman by the name of Larry Van Pelt who, at the age of 50, decided to devote his entire life to producing drawings that depict the presence of Jesus in everyday life situations. The one problem was that Mr. Van Pelt had no drawing experience whatsoever. So he devoted a full 10 years to the drawings what you see on this website. I highly recommend that you read his story and ponder every drawing. But to simplify things, I've selected some of the choicest images and added appropriate captions. I invite you to take a gander...
"It's $20 for a half hour alone with the kid. $50 if you want me to take pictures."
"For someone with no dental experience, you're doing a pretty adequate job!"
"Way to play the faggiest instrument ever, queer!"
"So, uh, I see that you're trying to shove that metal rod into that cliff face. I know I'm not supposed to judge anyone, but dude, get a fuckin' life."
"Free Bird!"
"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight..."
"Hee hee hee! Lookit the silly monkey man playing with his stupid monkey sticks!"
"It's ok, man. It happens to lotsa guys."
"You know what I always say. If there's grass on the field, play ball!"
"Ok dude. You've almost got the hand thing down. Just pull your three lower fingers in further. It's really not that hard. Just pretend you're finger-blasting a virgin."
"So, you've got 3 more years in Iraq, huh? Sucks to be you, bro. Don't pray to me, by the way, cause I've got this girl I'm pretty much spending all my time with. She's a PROFESSIONAL CONTORTIONIST! So, uh, try to avoid those land mines, I guess."
"Y'ever been to third base with the fucking SON OF GOD?!? Just put down that retarded book and take your shirt off."
"So do you like the Adderall? I know a guy who can get a bunch more. $5 a pill."
"Dude, I don't care if you're gonna fuck the dog. I really don't. But, for the collie's sake, please at least slather your bone with some vaseline or something."
